Theories of Anything

Watchfulness 101

2012-01-09T20:37:00.002Z

It’s been a long time. Thanks mainly to a lot of procastination, mind block and being too caught up with the mundane parts of life. So much so that I couldn’t wait to go to Turkey at the end of 2011. I believed that it would be the perfect ending and beginning. What better place to refocus, plan, make some new resolutions and relax. Istanbul seemed to be the perfect city... The city where East meets West not just in the meeting pointing of continents in one place, but the vibrancy and clash of cultures, practises in religion and secularism and a places enriched in History. I didn’t want to put so much into a few days Vacation. I wanted to be cool to aviod disappointments.

But Istanbul was more than I expected. You have to be there with an open mind and heart to feel the vibe that seems to spread to the hightest heights in the city and into it’s deepest depths. After 13 years in London and only visiting Western cities, I was not prepared for this city. At times, I felt as if I had come home. Here I was, the closest I’ve ever been to Asia. Here I was, standing in the former bedroom of the great Ataturk. Here I was for the first time, wearing a head scraf and stepping foot into a Mosque. There I was, walking through the magnificent Aya Sofia... the place that every Ottoman Sultan wanted to possess and possessed they did which clearly illustrated peserverance and military skill. There I was, walking in the garden of the Suleymaniye Mosque listening to the call to prayer resonating all over Istanbul. I felt like I was walking not only through history and the many Istanbuli related novels that I have read, but one step closer to Clarity. I was home right... Even though, picking out another black person was near impossible... I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel as if I stood out when I took the tram from Merter to Sultanahmet. I was at home. Accept me or not, I was home.

Hilariously, my phone bill didn’t think so.

Don’t ask me what happened. I’d only went online for a few minutes... I thought.

Finding this drastic sum today made me stop. I actually had two choices.. react normally and stress myself or laugh.

I laughed...

The more I laugh, the more my heart rate fell to normal. The more I laugh, the more the conversations in my head started to cease. No matter what, I still had a good holiday. No matter what, I’m still healthy and hapy. No matter what, for ones the areas around my eyes feel light and not sore.

Then it hit me, after so many conversations in those few days with Gokhan’s cousins about spirituality, health, consciousness, thinking and making the decision to improve my perspective then realising that I’m not ‘awake’ in the spiritual sense of the word and then beginning to read “Awareness” by Osho, here is life and/or God giving me an opportunity to grow and learn to be alert.

One... I wasn’t alert enough to take care of myself and hard earn money. I didn’t read the fine prints before I signed my phone contract. I didn’t research or even think about how much roaming will cost me in a non-EU country even if I only roam for a few minutes. I sleep walked through it all carelessly and now I have to face the consequences and be respnsible.

Two... It is now out of my control. The bill will only go away once I have paid it. Should I let this tarnish my experience in Turkey in regrets? Should I beat up myself and get all depress about the wasted money? All I can do is pay it and learn that next time, it’s either wifi or nothing. Buying an iMac will have to wait until mid-year it seems. But then you never know what opportunities may come your way.

Three... Whilst reading “Awareness”, a few things grabbed my attention. He said that one of the most imortant thing to understand is that Man is asleep. We sleepwalk through life. Never really present in what we are doing, never fully alert to our environment, anot not even aware of what motivates us to do and say the things we do.We are dreaming day in and day out.

“Wakefullness is the way of life. The fool sleeps as if he were already dead, the master is awake and he lives forever. He watches. He is clear. How happy he is! For he sees that wakefulness is life. How happy he is, following the path of the awakened. With great perseverance he meditates, seeking freedom and happiness.”
--- From the Dhammapada of Gautama the Buddha.

I realised that I’m asleep. But how do I wake up? I need to find out.

This episode today again signified that I am the fool who is not alert. A fool yes... but not only that, I’ve been given the opportunity to start the journey in waking up.

Today, I was given my first lesson in “Watchfulness”.

“Watch every act that you do. Watch every thought that pass in your mind. Watch every desire that takes possession of you. Watch even small gestures – walking, talking, eating, taking a bath. Go on watching everything. Let everything become an opportunity to watch.”

“Awareness – The Key to Living in Balance” – Osho

Have you learnt anything today that is reminded you that you have to be more alert? Did you run across the road without thinking and had a near miss? Did you speak before thinking?

Marlon Roudette - New Age live

2011-10-12T13:08:00.002+01:00

Let them EAT cake

2011-08-11T02:13:00.001+01:00

"Let them find a job!!!" I keep hearing...

It took me months to find a job and I'm qualified and had lots of work experience.

"There r jobs but they don't want to do them".

Even I couldn't find a menial job to do easily and i was desperately looking.

And some jobs can be so demeaning. I found a cleaning job and on the first/last day, the lady treated me like a thief and a no body, yet we wanted me to work on weekends. Backache for minimum wage, yet she counted not just the hours, but the minutes. Some people have lots of money but boy are the stingy. She even counted the pennies before she handed them over to me. I gave her a silent middle finger when I left and never went back.

Thank God, I was supported by loved ones and so wasn't destitute. I lived with my parents so didn't need to pay rent nor any bills and my boyfriend worked hard so that I can still get my constantly supply of books and go out and volunteer.

It's easy to point fingers, but we must say thank God we had a breakthrough and never had to go through what others have gone and are still going through. By some cosmic stroke of luck, I was born on the 9th of August, 1982 to two twenty-something individuals, who used my birth to spur them on to achieve and work their way out of poverty. I grew up thinking that my parents were wealthy. Not because I had an endless supply of toys and my own, but because of love, security and care. We actually lived in a tiny three bedroom board house and there was over 12 of us... a mixture of grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and siblings.

Before you write some young person off and paint them with a negative, distracted brush, how about listening to them. Find out their story, without having to judge.... see the vulnerability... see the potentiality... see a young man angry with the world because he has lost hope. See a young man kicking down walls and throwing bricks because he has been rejected over and over.... has been manipulated, abused, stop-n-searched on a daily basis and harass by the authorities... has had so many doors slammed in his face that he was grown bitter and powerless. The only power he has ever had is what has been happening over 5 days of looting and rioting... See that... Look at me... destroy you because you have no concern for me and have refused to acknowledge me as a person. You said I can never amount to anything, but look at me now... FEAR ME!!

I volunteered and was part of the Youth Engagement Panel in Enfield. I met so many young men and women who have turned their life around and wanted to give back to the youths of the community. They have become so tired of the negativity that the media spout daily in regards to young people. The UK population is composed of over 11.6 million young people. Let us remember that statistically, the rioters do not represent the young people. Millions of young people are working hard with what they have and are giving back to their various communities and peer group. The headlines are reading that some Anthony Daniels, a retired prison doctor and psychiatrist is calling UK youths the worst in the world. That is ignorant plain and simple.

Before the politicians and the media start pointing fingers, please examine your own criminal actions that was brought out over the last year or so. Let’s not forget, Hackgate, which has quietly been removed from the main pages. Let’s not forget the lies and propaganda that was spread to justify the wars in Iraq and Libya. Remember Weapons of Mass Destruction!! How about the pledge you signed Mr Clegg on Student Tuition Fee Increases. Mr Politicians have you forgotten about the expense scandal. The disgusting way that you stole from the countries coffers to expand your lifestyle. Remember the headlines??? GREED!! GREED!! GREED!! How many countries have you raped? How many bombs have you dropped? How many civilians have you murdered in far countries? The inside dealings and the back biting is rampant in all the three major political parties. Who overthrew who to be party leader is prevalent in the media. Have you heard the joke about the good politician? Is there really a good politician? I guess that joke never existed.

The Financial Times Deutschland added:

'The British elite has systematically compromised itself in recent years. They claimed to be a role model, or at least trustworthy. 'In the economic crisis the financial establishment declared bankruptcy, and British politicians became mired in the expenses scandal of 2009. Then this year the media and politicians have been damaged by the Murdoch scandal. 'When the country's elites don't take the law seriously, why should we? No question is more dangerous for a society.'

Please look beyond the surface. We will find healing there as a nation. Let’s examine ourselves as well. Yes, consequences should be and must be harsh, but don’t let it end there. Punishment is the easiest thing to do, but let us strive so that the next steps are well thought out, effective and progressive. After we have finished crying over the materialistic, let's remember the youths… They are the men and women and our leaders and carers of tomorrow.

"Come, let us be friends for once; let us make life easy on us; let us be lovers and loved ones; the earth shall be left to no one." Sufi Poem

My condolences to all the families whoes livelihood have been destroyed, whose kids have been murdered, who are in moaning, who can't find a way out and are longing for hope. Let's stand shoulder to shoulder and rebuid.

Too Close to Home

2011-08-10T15:04:00.000+01:00

My Dad's writing
The phone rang at 11:30 pm and I jumped out of my sleep and grab the phone and answered. I heard my son's voice on the other end of the line saying 'dad what is my name' (repeated a number of times). Then he said 'this is racism, why do you want to search me, I did not do anything, you are accusing me of drugs so i am not going to allow you to search me, I am on my way home from playing a football match - the match started 7:30 and ended after 10 pm, that is why i am here, this is stop and search, this action is illegal, I don't know if you have any thing to plant on me, I will open my bag and take my clothes off if you want but I am not going to allow you to search me, I know my rights'.

I thought that I was dreaming. I remembered I said Shane, Shane and switch the phone off and went back to sleep. But instantly reality struck and I became awake. I dialed his number instantly. He answered. I asked him what had happened. He said that he just came off the train at Waterloo Station and was heading for the underground, tired from placing his first Conference series football match for the season and a groups of polices offices came up to him and called him by another name and told him he was carrying drugs and they are going to search his foot ball kit (bag). He said that he told them that his name is Shane Simmons and they told him that he was lying. They approach him to search him and he told them their seems to be a mix up and he is not going to allow then to search him. His white team friend was not search by the police.

In fact he was completely ignored by the police. I told him to calm down and to give the phone to the Police office in charge. The officer answered. I asked him what is the situation with my son? I told him is name and the reasons for him being out at this time. The officer told me they were called to investigate a disturbances near by and they are under sever pressures. He said they found nothing wrong with my son.

They were just talking to him and some other young people about the current situation in London. I told the office that I understood the stressful situation he is working under but he had to ensure that he dispense his duties in a fair manner irrespective of the situation he is working under and he should be more tactful and sensitive to young people in the future especially young black male.

His response was positive, friendly and cooperative. This situation is unfortunate luckily Shane was quick and can think on his feet and he has parents who are knowledgeable, supportive and have excellent relationships with him. The question is what is the situation of the large number of black youths who have no parental support.

This was the Sony Building behind my family home.

How Do YOU Manage?

2011-07-22T18:59:00.001+01:00

The reality of living on my own is beginning to bite. It’s as if I’ve walked into an ant’s nest unknowingly and hundreds of aunts are biting their way along my feet, up my legs and heading directly towards my. What should I do? Jump into a river somewhere and drown the SHITTERS?

Nah.. I’m not that brave, I’m doing the next “best” thing… dancing around like a pansy. Hoping to God, they’ll get disoriented enough to fall off. What can I do? After less than a month of having my own space, should I run back home to my parents and their 400GBP a month rent? Well, I’ll have to man it like an adult, especially with a year’s lease hanging over my neck like a hangman’s noose. I have my pride at least. If they can do it, so can I.

In spite of all the benefits of having your own space and home and for someone who has never budgeted in her life, yesterday felt like I crashed through the ground into an icy river. I finally built up the courage to check my bank account balance after paying my rent. Let’s just say, I now owe the bank and it’s only been a week after payday. It all made sense after calculating all that I had spent since Friday (Yes, since Friday!)… dentist, deposit on sofa, Top up oyster, restaurant, Turkish tuition, petrol, supermarket shopping times 3, phone bill, FCUK dress via eBay, Another dress via Cocosa, fancy vintage telephone via eBay, concert tickets to Breakout at Proud Camden and RENT.

Reality is now staring and telling me either I get a sugar daddy quick or have a complete lifestyle change. Nope, I won’t be able to afford that rug that I’ve been eyeing up at Anthropologie that will completely complement my sofa and style. Since I don’t have the faintest idea of how to find a sugar daddy, I will have to curb my spending and learn how to budget. Exciting nights out and fancy dining in London will have to be purchased months in advance via Groupon. If I can’t take the bus or walk, I guess I won’t be venturing so far out. Exciting holidays will just have to be booked via agent years in advance. They better have a payment scheme or else Trinidad Carnival 2012 will not be seeing me. Remind me not to update my card details on Amazon, Anthropologie and Paypal when my debit card expires. Shopping online has become too easy these past few months. I better build up the stamina and learn quickly how to tread through the sale racks and stop heading straight to the more expensive new season items.

Now I see why most people live with 5 or 6 random strangers and not solo. Living as a single person in London is definitely overpriced. That reminds me… I still have council tax and utilities left to pay. Thank God, its summer and the heating is off and it is so bright outside that I don’t need much light. Welcome back, cold showers. Plus, I’ve been sending my laundry with my boyfriend from time to time so that I don’t have to use the washing machine. Maybe, I need a second job.

Yesterday, I complained to my mum and she said, “Finally, you know just how I feel.” After paying mortgage and bills, all her hard earn money disappears. She reminded of me of an old Caribbean saying.

Pig asks his mother, “Mummy, what makes your mouth so long?” His mother says, “Wait awhile, you’ll see.”

It makes me mad that these utility companies are raising their prices without any worry that their customers are already struggling with rising cost for food, transportation and other necessities? Everyone is being squeezed left, right and centre. You're working longer and harder, yet still living month to month... hoping for the next paycheck. Is this how life suppose to be? Working like machines... passionless! Sometimes I wonder if I chose the wrong time to move out. But when it comes to it, no time is ever really the right time. I’m left to wonder...This is just me struggling to take care of me just because I wanted the littlest convenience of living on my own and near to my job. I have a better job than most. I went to university twice... no debt, other than an overdraft. There are people out there 10 times worst of than me. They are faced on a daily basis with the prospects of getting their benefits cut by a government and an opposition who are so out of touch that it is not funny. How do single parent-households manage in this city?

Solititude

2011-04-07T13:39:00.000+01:00

Without Solitude
The World weeps and screams
Your Inner Sanctum is no longer peaceful
The echoes of past lives have invaded this space
Between worlds and dreams
To close up is vain
The world has no peace
The mirror shatters and its pieces are scattered

The longing for detachment
The search for stillness
But in this life
The meddlesome wasteland is still king
He reigns over your disjointed love-connections
And unfilled companionships
Festering emptiness in your heart
That bubbles and overflows

He owns you
But what can you do
Surrounded by schedules and useless associations
Trying to tame the wild Beast
Colluding with the enemy day in day out
Deluding your mind with logic and distractions
In this life, what occupies, owns you

But in Solitude
Second chances can be found
The smoke screen is exposed
The broken man crawls towards enlightenment
Serenity and peace are an arm’s length away
Acceptance of self besides the still water
Regaining that confidence one step at a time
What was once lost, can be regained

You see
In Solitude
All Illusions are obliterated
The Lies are exposed with a blinding light
Political Correctness is shun from the norm
Black is Black and White is White
Truth is now the Truth
The grey areas are white out
Enlightenment is KING

By Als Simmons, 30th March, 2011

Copyright © 2011 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "Solitude"

ANew

2011-03-09T16:30:00.004Z

Maybe I’m writing this for my own self. No one reads you anymore… not even you… not even me. I feel as if I’m entering a new chapter and no longer want to be confined to the pain of the past, which was the reason why I started blogging. This blog was able to carry me through… It opened up a voice in my head. I was able to try and experience new ideas and thoughts. I met lots of new and dynamic people. But, it’s beginning to feel like a noose around my neck. It’s beginning to feel like that place in the past that you keep going back to because of obligation.

Obligated to keep writing, even though you don’t feel like writing
Obligated to keep updating to portray progress and relevance

Things have changed and the past shall remain the past.

This blog was started to carry me through a certain stressful period and now that I am out of that part, I find that I no longer know what to write about. My mode of expression has completely changed, but I don’t know what to as yet.

I guess I need to walk down this new path of self-discovery once more. I need to try new things and see where the creative life takes me. I’d like to concentrate more on photography and finally work on that poetry project that I keep promising myself to do, but pushing backwards into non-existence. I want to read more Physics books. Travel more and lessen the dependency on social media and the internet. I’d like to turn off my phone and not use the internet for one weekend.

In the mean time, I’ll be giving up online shopping for Lent!

This will be my last post for a while. The length of time, who knows?

Thanks for Everything!!

I will be back.... maybe when the sun is shinning brighter... when I'm feeling less restless... when I have something to say that I can't say... When I have a bit more focus and direction... When I balance this life of full-time work...

Happy Valentines

2011-02-14T17:06:00.001Z

Create your own digital scrapbook

Book review: A Brighter Sun

2011-01-31T11:36:00.005Z

Title: A Brighter Sun
Author: Samuel Selvon
Publisher: Longman
Pages: 215
Challenge: Caribbean writers Challenge 2011

Rating: 5 stars

Summary:

The overall theme can be summed up in three phrases; “the journey from adolescence to adulthood”, “The Loss of Innocence”, and “The Quest and acquisition of knowledge”.

The story is set during the turbulent midst of the 2nd World War and centered on the lives of two young Indian peasants forced into marriage and trying to find their way through adulthood in Trinidad. It began with Tiger, young, surprised and naive, trying to prove that he is a man and is independent. With young bride, Urmilla, shy, bewildered and anxious to please, two hundred dollars, a cow and wattle and daub shack, he sets off to the unknown Barataria and adulthood.

Completely out of depth, Tiger obsessed over what it is to be a man and his own ignorance. Throughout most of the novel, he became dissatisfied with his lot in life. So much so that this dissatisfaction and the good old rum caused him to lose the one thing he wants the most, a son. But it also gave him the motivation to learn how to read and write, despite the peer pressure and mockery of him being a “big man”, yet reduce to learn as a little school boy. Tiger, in spite of his upbringing and relations willingness and comfort in “staying in the cane fields”, dreamt big. He wanted to gain knowledge and learn what is outside his own village and his country. He wanted to be respected and help his fellow Trinidadians – both Indians and creoles. He decided one day that he will be a Politician. He will fight for “everybody rights, not only Indian”. He was ambitious and gained promotion after promotion. He loved working with his hands and found comfort in hard work.

In spite of the pitfalls and violence along the way, Tiger, at the end of the Novel at age 21, is less restless. He is weaving his way through and is more aware of the complexities of life. Urmilla came back from Chaguanas to a more mature Tiger.

“We go start all over again, and this time we won’t make so much mistake, eh, Tiger?”
“You don’t start over things in life,” he said wisely, “you just have to go on from where you stop. It not as if you born all over again. Is the same life.” (page. 209)

At the end, he is not questioning. He is more knowledgeable, self-assured and well poised to continue his struggle successfully. The sun shone on a confident, determined and hopeful Tiger. In his final words, he comfortably muttered that “now is a good time to plant corn”.

Tiger has become a man.

Thoughts:

What is interesting and fascinating in many, other, Caribbean literatures I’ve read is the deep embedded violence that seems to be soaked into West Indian culture. This violence is not specific or restricted by race, culture nor gender. Domestic violence seems to be the open norm among the lower socio-economic classes. It seems as violence is the quickest entry to manhood and distinguish the parent from the child. I have never read a Caribbean novel that violence is not a theme.

A Brighter Sun was one of my favourite Literature books in High School. Unlike, “A House for Mr. Biswas”, I read it through and through. I felt for Tiger. I felt, even then at age 14, his frustrations. Even now at age 28, I can still understand his obsession with gaining knowledge, the need to be independent and be a “man” and the curiosity to find out what is it at the end of the road. What is beyond the horizon?

I believe that we should never lose that thirst to learn. In our society, it seems as if most people have forgotten that success comes with hard work. We have become an “X-Factor” and “facebook” obsessed culture. Everyone wants to be rich and celebrities by any means necessary. I guess it is not helped by facebook and Twitter, where any and everyone can set up a “fan site” and accumulate followers.

In a survey of children ages seven to twelve, 44% of girls said that CHERYL Cole was the woman they most looked up to. Fame was the top ambition for girls. 21% aspire to it more than anything else, while getting rich was the top choice for boys, at 27% (Daily Telegraph). Don’t you find this disturbing?

A Bit about the author:
Samuel Dickson Selvon was born in Trinidad 20 May 1923 into a Christian Indian family. He was a journalist at the Trinidad Guardian between 1946 and 1950. Selvon left Trinidad and migrated to the UK. In 1952, he published A Brighter Sun, and the excellent reviews encouraged him to become a full- time writer. In 1978, he left the UK for Canada, where he lived until his death on a return trip to Trinidad in 1994.

His other books include The Lonely Londoners 1956, Moses Ascending 1975 and Moses Migrating 1983. He died in Trinidad on 16 April 1994.

Caribbean Writers Challenge 2011

2011-01-21T11:59:00.004Z

Caribbean Authors are greatly under-represented, even in the Caribbean. Most people only read Caribbean literature (by forced) in high school. I remember that it took me many years from Form 2 to Form 5 to complete V.S Naipaul’s “A House for Mr Biswas”. When I did complete it in Form 5, I nearly cried because it was such a beautiful story and I believed that I had done myself some injustice for not reading it at the beginning. Mr Biswas search for a home of his own and his independence from the Tulsis still resonates with me today. I do long for a home of my own and my “independence”. Due to certain circumstances, I’m 28 and am still living at home. Hopefully, by May, my dream, like Mr Biswas', will be realised.

I decided that my reading challenge for this year is to read more Caribbean literature. I ended 2010 reading “Backfire: A Collection of Caribbean Short Stories”. This was the first Caribbean Lit book I read in high School. It was new and I was nervous in class. My Literature teacher was like a “dragon” and I was scared whenever she selected me to answer a question. Reading was not my thing then. I much preferred riding my bike after school or watching tv. I always left my literature books to read at the last minute or just before my exams. I actually don’t know how I got a Grade 1 for CXC English Lit. But when I do read, I’m engrossed in the language, the cultural and religious context etc. Just before the end of my high school years, I discovered the magic of escapism in books and I guess that saved my CXC grade.

While searching for information on a short story I read in high School, I came across a blog that led me to another blog that has a Caribbean Reading Challenge for 2011. Of course, I had to take part. My other reading challenge this year is to read 60 books. So far, I’m on my 6th book. Yes, I love reading. In 2009, I read 74 books and in 2010, I read 69. Trying to find time to read has become second nature for me. I read just before I go to sleep and on my journey between home and work. I also take mini breaks at work to read a page or 2.

The Goal: To read either 1 Caribbean book a month (totaling 12) or 1 Caribbean novel every other month (totaling 6) between January 1, 2011 and December 31, 2011. There is a mix of novels and fiction as well as collections of short stories and poetry so if you are not particularly enthused about any of these I would suggest the 6 books, that way you can read all the novels.

Writing a review isn’t compulsory but if you do write a review link back so everyone else can check out what you thought.

If you don’t have a blog you can update in the comments and you can sign up anytime from now until the end of December, 2011.

The Books:

January – A Brighter Sun – Samuel Selvon

February – Summer Lightning and Other Stories (Longman Caribbean Writers Series) – Olive Senior

March – Old Story Time and Smile Orange – Trevor Rhone

April – Jumbie Bird (Longman Caribbean Writers Series) - Ismith Khan

May – The Dragon Can’t Dance – Earl Lovelace

June – A Morning at the Office – Edgar Mittelholzer (Novel)

July – He Drown She in the Sea – Shani Mootoo

August – The Duppy – Anthony C. Winkler

September – Tide Running – Oonya Kempadoo

October – The Polished Hoe - Austin Clarke

November – Miguel Street – V.S. Naipaul

December - Plays for Today Ti-Jean and His Brothers and Other Plays (Longman Caribbean Writers) - Derek Walcott (Author), Dennis Scott (Author), Errol Hill (Editor)

If you'd like to join in with the challenge, check it out here.

Friday Madness - UN Survey

2011-01-14T15:09:00.004Z

The Outhouse in Antigua

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In Israel, they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK, they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent

Enjoy!!

2010 Political Review

2011-01-13T22:42:00.006Z

Nick Clegg with signed pledge before elected

2010 started with the whiff of change in the year and on the back of the first black President in the White House and it became the year of first and a positive change towards freedom. We saw the first female Prime Minister in Trinidad, Hon. Kamla Persad-Bissessar and Australia, Hon. Julia Gillard. At the end of 2010, the first female President in Brazil Dilma Rousseff.

I voted for the first time in May 2010 and from since then, many people have been questioning if their vote actually counts in a 2-3 party system democracy. Are our views represented by our parliamentary representatives? It seems as if only the views of the few (the political class) is actually acknowledge and written into policy.

We asked? Is democracy an illusion?

I remember reading a book called “The Poisonwood Bible” by Barbara Kingsolver in 2009. The novel is about a missionary family, who in 1959 moved from the US to a village in the Belgian Congo. The family’s story parallels the Congo’s tumultuous emergence into the post-colonial era. One chapter of the book, called “What We Lost” reveals the chaos that can result by forcing systems of rule and regulation on a culture without respecting the former systems of rules that governed the society previously.

For instance, Democracy – the act of majority rule. Supposedly power that is vested in the people and exercised directly by them or by their elected agents. In the Village, the former way of doing things was to talk things over until a consensus could be reached. Even though, it might take weeks for everyone to agree. With Independence and a change to a more western overview of power and rights, they realised that using Democracy only makes one group unhappy and ultimately precipitating violence.

Can Democracy be the rule of the People?

In May 2010, the Conservative Party won the election by receiving 36.1% of the votes. They have now formed a coalition government with the Liberal Democrat Party (23.0%). Simple arithmetic shows that only 59.1% of the country believed in either parties. I would not say that 59.1% supported the coalition government because both parties lost supporters when the coalition was formed behind closed doors, especially the Lib Dem. During the election campaign, they modeled themselves as the Party for Change. They gained many young voters because they signed a pledge that they will not back the increase in tuition fees. Yet , as soon as they have sold their soul for power and linked with the Tories, their first policy was to triple tuition fees to over £9,000 and call it PROGRESSIVE. Evn though the majority of the country was against this rise and in spite of the pledge signed by them and the promises made to their supporters.

The illusion of your vote actually meaning something has evaporated for most disenfranchised voters in the UK. We have noticed that most politicians are the same and that we can never trust them as far as we can throw them. What’s the point of voting when the self-interest of the Political Class and Corporations are paramount in affecting change in policy?

At least with communism, you know what you are getting. It's a bit frightening because the majority of us are beginning to think that life is reverting back to a two class system..... The Upper Class and the Serf Class.

“Democracy consists of choosing your dictators after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear” Alan Coren

2010 Book Review

2011-01-07T20:19:00.003Z

[SOURCE]

In spite of the non-earning period during 2008-2010, I always saved a few pounds to buy a few books at W H Smith (Buy 1 get 1 half Price) or Waterstones (Buy 3 for 2). The only thing that increased during 2008, 2009 and 2010 was my book collection. I went from having a few books and no bookcase, to being a crazy love-sick collector with two bookcases and counting. I would have gotten 3 bookcases, but was constricted due to lack of space.

One of my resolutions for 2010 was to read 100 books. This I couldn’t do because I started volunteering more often and then I got a job. Due to the lesser time spent reading, I was only able to read 69 books this year, down from reading 74 books read in 2009.

I was introduced to many new and interesting authors this year. My main genre of choice is Crime. I randomly came across many new crime authors in no other place but Tesco and their Buy 2 for £8 deals. Authors like Karin Slaughter, Beverly Barton, Erica Spindler and Linda Fairstein. Isn’t it amazing that the new upcoming crime authors have creepy surnames - Slaughter, Spindler?

I took the classics seriously and read Rebecca by Dauphine de Maurier, which was so good that the main character depressed me deeply. How can a woman which such a vivid imagination be so weak… So weak that the strength in the book was that she remained unnamed throughout. The “Wide Sargasso Sea” by Jean Rhys added a new Creole dimension to Jane Eyre. Sense and Sensibility made me laugh so much! I’m in love with Jane Austen. The Ultimate Chick Lit! And boy, I’ve read loads of those… ranging from Laurie Viera Rigler in her “Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict”, Sophie Kinsella and Alexandra Potter.

I tried many foreign authors this year. Yes, I wasn’t able to travel much this year, but I went to many times and places thanks to the power of my mind. Old Ottoman, Modern Turkey thanks to Orhan Pamuk and Barbara Nadel. I think I know all the hidden crevices of Istanbul now thanks to Profession Ikmek. I engrossed myself in Albanian and Eastern Block debate thanks to Ismail Kadare in The Accident and Imre Kertész’s Liquidation. I entered 1950s Calcutta in “Chowinghee” by Arunava Sinha Sanka, quickly exited “Satan in Goray’ by Isaac Singer and danced my way to Peru in Nicholas Shakespeare’s “The dancer Upstairs”.

One book, that really surprised me was Luis Fernando Veríssimo’s “Borges and the Eternal Orang-Utans”. It combined surrealism, conspiracy theory, an obsession to Edgar Allan Poe and Translations. It’s definitely a must-read. It was not just a book based on mystery. It reminded me of the movie “The 6th Sense”. After the Climax, I had to reread the book because I had missed so much of the subtle intrigue. This is one book that I will read again.

I have read many disappointed books in 2010. The hype surrounded these books was shocking and I felt let down. For one “The Distant Hours” by Kate Morton totally bored me to bits. I’ve read her previous books such as “The Forgotten Garden” is listed under my favourites. Sarah Waters is a wonderful writer. Her knowledge of that time period is phenomenal. Amazing, but “The Little Stranger” was supposed to be a ghost mystery, but damn I kept reading and reading thinking that soon I’ll be scared and I got to the end of the book and thought was that it. Another “scary” disappointing book was “Apartment 16” by Adam Nevill - The next Stephen Kings? No way! Audrey Niffenegger let me down as well with her latest “Her fearful Symmetry”.

I read two great books on Twins back to back “Cutting for Stone” by Abraham Verghese, which was in the time of Haile Salassie in Ethiopia and “26a” by Diane Evans, which is based about different twin girls growing up in England in the 80s. I was always fascinated with twins and how they deal with going up and separation.

Even books that strengthen the imagination and the mind… Have you had any thoughts and reflection on dreams after watching Inception? Let me recommend Andrey Reutov’s “Dream Searchers”. These two books definitely opened up another reality to me. I’m still trying to control my dreams. Maybe one day!

So this is my 2010 book review in a nutshell!

2011 will see me re-exploring Caribbean Literature and continuing with my emersion in Turkish Crime Lit by Orhan Pamuk and Barbara Nadel. I have the latest Patricia Cornwell to read at that start of 1st Jan.

What have you read in 2010 that spoke to you?

Do you have any recommendations?

2010 Travel Review

2011-01-05T01:08:00.004Z

[Bergen]

What I missed most about not having my passport was not being able to travel. I love travelling. I love the changing sceneries and being in a different place and time zone. I’ve always been fascinated about the unknown. I always want to find out what’s beyond the end of a road or the horizon. Growing up, my favourite at the start of the new school year was getting an Atlas. I loved to daydream about what life might be at a point on a map. I wanted to travel.

Soon as I got my passport, I began making plans. Due to me not having any cash, I couldn’t go to St Vincent to my aunt’s wedding. Instead, my dad bought me a ticket to Norway. I had promised to visit my friend for years. So finally I went and spent 10 days with her and her family. I was sold on the idea of living in Norway. The air was sweet and everything I saw was beautiful from the beautiful mountains, the sea, lakes, quaint and wonderful houses. Plus finally sharing a part of my very best friend’s life was amazing. March was a wonderful month thanks to Norway, Mona, Andre and Amelia.

[Boston at night]

With the new job, I went to Boston for nearly three weeks in July. It was good to be there in the US. It was too hot though and I was drained by the time I went through Immigration at Logan. Boston was beautiful though and I got to meet a high school friend who I hadn’t seen for over 12 years. I got to walk through Harvard and also meet my colleagues. I travelled down to New York for the two weekends and spent time with my god-sisters and godmother after 10 years. Lovely! Plus, I got to shop. Though, the shopping and fashion scene in London is so much better than the one in New York.

[Antigua]

My friend invited Gokhan and I to her wedding in October. We went down to Antigua for a week of sunshine, friends, love and sea. We were so close and so bought tickets to go to St Vincent for two nights. It was amazing showing my island to Gokhan and introducing him to my family and friends. It was beautiful spending time with my grandmothers. It was short, but bittersweet.

At the start of the year, I never would have imagined travelling to Norway nor the US and the Caribbean. It’s amazing how life can throw beautiful situations and opportunities at you. I ended the year at a quaint cottage in the middle of nowhere in Wales. I finally got to reach to the end of the M4 motorway. A roundabout is at the end of it.

In 2011, the plan and hope is to travel to Norway again and also to Turkey, Cyprus and St Vincent. Who knows what other country might be beyond the horizon. I can’t make to fill up my passport with immigration stamps.

Where do you want to travel to in 2011?

2010 Job-Hunting Review

2010-12-27T22:19:00.005Z

With the arrival of the passport came the prospect of finding a new job and actually earning a living. Job-hunting in the middle of an international financial crisis, where so many skilled people are looking for work, was a bit disheartening. I felt that I didn’t have any skills that will set me apart from the herd and I couldn’t even think of going back into Finance. Which company will hire me or even give my resume a second look?

I hid my insecurities, I said out loud that I have survived not working for 18 months and I would not take any job that doesn’t give me the satisfaction, the flexibility to do what I love and allow me to have lots of free time. Inside though, all I wanted was a job so that I can be a professional again. Would I take any job that I came my way? I didn’t know for sure. Was I desperate? Hell, yes!

I applied for the research job with the Charity. The application was so long! As the days passed, I became less sure that I’d get the job. Dismay sat in. The doubts really started to take over and I had two months wait in between applying for the research job and the dreaded interview. Plus, everyone at the Charity knew that I had applied for the job. The shame of not getting it after voluntarily doing the job for 18 months! The interview went really well, though, but I didn’t get it. Someone better suited was found. I cried to myself and hid away for a few days. I still went in and worked at same charity and got paid as well. I learnt to be strong and dignified during that time and not to let Pride get the better of me. The new plan now was to work there until I get a job or the new person start, whichever came first. Please God, let me get a job first!

I applied for loads of jobs online. Every day,I will send out applications for 10+ jobs. Lots of roles were available, but the majority of them was very senior and so out of my reach. Through a recruiter, I was able to get one interview, but bue to lack of experience and “not enough industry knowledge”, I didn’t get it. That was actually my second interview with the company. The first was the beginning of 2007. Lol! I had no luck with them it seemed. I can look back now and realise that everything does happen for a reason. The job for me was a month away.

Mid-June came and I received an email about a job I applied for online a few days ago. The company would like to interview me via telephone because they are based in the US. The interview went ahead and went well, inspite of their telephone connection messing up. I was able to prepare and research for the job role. I can tell that they were impress with my knowledge on what they do and their products. The fact that they allow me to take "charge" of the interview and ask them questions from the beginning, was an unexpected bonus. I was able to guide the interview towards areas that I know a lot of. Yeah! My confidence was restored. Soon after, I got a face to face interview with their executives in London and the same afternoon was offered the job. My boyfriend was also offered a new job the same day. At last and “Yeh” for us!

A week after obtaining the job, I started my new role. Two weeks after starting, I received my American traveler’s visa and was on my way to Boston for three weeks to meet my colleagues!

So much can happen in half a year! Just like that, when you least expect, your life can change.

“Open your heart, and expect good things to happen”

2010 Voluntary Review

2010-12-26T22:48:00.003Z

I spent the first half of this year and all of 2009, volunteering. I volunteered at two youth charities – one local and the other International. I met so many people… all important… from the young people at the local charity who became my friends and to the staff and royalty at the International Charity. I was able to learn from so many people and was even pushed to lend my voice to strategy and planning in front of Directors and foreign dignitaries. I realised that I actually have a lot to say and that I can hold my own and speak coherently (even with a n accent).

After receiving my passport and finally having evidence of the right to work in the UK, I was ready to take the next step into working in the Third Sector. I actually applied for the permanent job there at the Charity. I thought that I would definitely get it because I was doing most of the role for the past 12 months voluntarily. I have shown dedication and initiative, so why wouldn’t they hire me. I thought that actually working for the charity would be a dream come through. Doing what you love and getting paid for it! Yes, this was definitely for me.

Sadly, as you know, I didn’t get the job. In competition, someone was found who was a much better fit than me. I loved volunteering though and still wanted to continue at both charities in some other way. At the beginning of November, I was asked to join another strategy session at the International Charity. It was interesting to realize that I can still stay connected on a different level.

I resigned from the website team at the local Charity due to the lack of time available and discussed taking on a lesser demanding role in the New Year. I know the value of giving back and hope that I will be able to continue volunteering at those two charities for years to come.

2010 Identity Review

2010-12-25T22:09:00.004Z

117/365

Two weeks into natural loose hair and a day before Valentines, an unassuming white envelope was delivered by post. I was in bed, when my mum dropped it on my bed. Leisurely, I opened it and was shocked when I saw my university certificates and bank statements. Shit! These were what I sent to the Home Office in 2008! Shit! Shit! Shit! I called my mum, while fishing through in search of my passport. I found it! My hands were shaking as I fumbled in search of that dreaded stamp or lack of it.

My mum searched through the package, praising God with every breath, in search of that dreaded cover letter. Simultaneously, we found what we were both separately looking for. She read out the letter! Yes, I’ve been granted Residency to live in the United Kingdom. And I found the beautiful stamp... Indefinite Leave to Remain… So ordinary… not even a gold seal… So important…

My mum was crying and praying. I called my boy friend and then my dad. Then my dad’s friend called me from the Caribbean. I made calls and then two hrs after, my boy friend rushed into my room. Yes, I was still in bed in shock! I didn’t know what to do with myself. He had driven back to London from Lincoln in less than two thirds of the time.

13th February 2010 – what we have been waiting for so long had arrived without even a trumpet signal. Even now, I still can’t articulate the emotions that shattered through me. Still now, tears come to my eyes. Even a hint of that memory, I get the shivers and my heart still race. Once more, I am humbled. Once more, the words resonate in my life and in my mind.

“Open your heart, and expect good things to happen”

Maybe, I was more ready then, than I ever was before.

That day, my life caught up with real time. No longer was I going through the motion or trying to catch up. But then, it only began again. Where should I start? I can travel now. Yes! But, I’d need money for that and for that, I will need a job. Finding a job, in the middle of the credit crunch? Ahhh.. I brushed those thoughts aside and for once, I felt relaxed. I can go anywhere. The world is now my oyster. I have in my hand my passport. I got my identity back.

2010 Hair Review

2010-12-24T10:46:00.036Z

Got rid of Locs

After 9 years of having dreadlocs, I decided to cut them off and have loose hair. Locs have been my clutch for a long time. It became my identity and security blanket.

On a spur of the moment, I decided that for me to move forward and open up to receive, I will need to let go of a few things. I had the need to be raw.

So beginning of Jan, my sister took charge of ripping my “identity’ a part. On 23rd Jan, I revealed that me to myself. It was shocking. I felt insecure, uncomfortable and ugly. How can I ever find beauty with these stringy kinks.

Trials of being Natural

The trial of being natural with loose hair began and my affinity to reading too many “natural” hair blogs and finding a healthy hair regime nearly took over. I got confused and accumulated so many hair products. Thankfully, at present, I’m much more relaxed and confident and go with how I feel. I wash my hair whenever, condition frequently and kept my hair in pinned twists. I have realised that some styles do not suit my hair because it is too fine. I am also hesitant to try certain styles because to me my hair feels too fragile. Most times, I depress about missing my locs.

But I am getting use to this new loc and the lightness and flexibility. Good bye to migraines and tension headaches caused by heavy locs. When I miss my length, I submerge in the flexibility and variety of braided and twisted extensions. I am learning the funkiest way to rock an afro and my new addiction is headbands and delicate hair accessories.
On disadvantage of my hair types is shrinkage. But even that, I’m beginning to embrace.

Loose hair is definitely a journey – A work in progress and an organic expression of confidence and beauty.

2010 Creative Review

2010-12-22T14:11:00.007Z

2/365

After watching Jarani’s Year in Review Vblog and also reading her sister’s, I was inspired to get back into blogging and at least write a review. Two Thousand and ten definitely deserves a review and you will see why. Please read, be inspired, comment and maybe even try to review your own Twenty-Ten.

How did I start the year? Frustrated, hopefully, struggling to stay positive, anxious, disappointed and bogged down. Remember, I was waiting for my “life” to begin after waiting for my passport for half of 2008 and all of 2009. I couldn’t work nor travel and so did a lot of volunteering so as to keep busy, positive and to give back to my community. At the end of 2009, I was ready and I knew that 2010 would be my year. So I decided to change things and to prepare myself to receive.

My favourite quote of 2009 was “Open your heart, and expect good things to happen”, and that, I definitely did.

I've decided to break the review into sections. I started writing yesterday and couldn't stop.

The First section is Creativity.

Photo365
Inspired again by Jarani and Ev`Yan, I started the project365 on the 1st of January. My 2nd and most prominent picture was called “INDULGE”. That I believe became my motto for 2010. Sadly in terms of my Project365, I didn’t complete it. I reach to the point around the beginning of Nov and got stuck and uninspired. Blame it on going back to the Caribbean and returning to dark, cold London homesick. I wasn’t going anywhere or doing anything different and found myself taking uninspiring pictures so as to complete the project. Also, it became so dark so earlier that by the time I leave work; I didn’t know what to take. Also, my laptop and cameras ran out of memory and so, my last picture was 310/365. So close… I’ve taken a few in-between and will try and complete the year, but there’ll be lots of gaps.

Photography Class
I did 8 sessions with the great Leon Cato and can now call myself an amateur photographer! He was a great teacher. It was inspiring! I can now take pictures using the manual settings and have an idea of composition. During this process, I realised that I was too shy and unsure to be a street photographer. I love taking pictures of my family. But taking pictures of strangers? I freeze up! What if they curse me? How do I stop them and ask? I love taking pictures of bridges and scenery though and lamented to the fact that where I live have no views!

Poetry
I wrote a few poems this year, but not as much as I would have liked. I published 9 on this blog. My poetry writing waned when I started working. I found that I hardly had any time to be creative. I had to be practical at work and work really drains you. By the time I get home, I’m too tired to even think or find inspiration.

I hope that in 2011, I’ll be more balanced and able to juggle both my creativity and the practicality of work.

Crazy People should not use the Tube

2010-12-22T09:42:00.002Z

[Rush Hour Crush, by Simon Perry]

What’s up with “crazy people” taking the tube in the rush hour unaccompanied! The “crazy woman” then decided to sit next to me. She was playing with her phone and talking in strange languages to herself. I noticed some of the commuters quickly glancing at her and she noticed as well. Once she noticed, she started acting crazier. I ignored her. I can’t be bothered with her. Why would anyone leave their “unwell” adult-child to take the train alone?

I looked around. No one was trying to claim her. Yes, she was alone.

So, I continued to ignore her mutterings even though she was beside me. I would not allow any crazy person to make me feel threatened so early in the morning. I’ve paid for the expensively priced peak ticket to at least get a few comforts and quiet so early in the morning. I shall not be moved, crazy lady!

She then did the most annoying thing. She yawned very loudly with no inhibition.. Spread her arms wide behind me and pressed her hand down on my hair at the back.

I slowly turned around to her and said firmly with a pissed off look on my face, “Move your hand”. I stared at her and didn’t back down. Silently I told her, “Don’t piss me off or else I will show you crazy”!

She quickly moved her hand from my space and kept herself quiet for the rest of my journey.

Only in America – Buy A Truck, Free AK-47

2010-11-26T11:30:00.002Z

Happy Thanksgiving my American riends!!

A central Florida dealership has seen its sales double since launching a new promotional campaign:

“Buy a truck, get a free AK-47.”

Fine prints
Customers would have to pass a background check before using the $400 gun shop voucher. They also have the option of using the money toward other firearms, or they can request a check in that amount instead.”

A Piece of Me… In November, 2010

2010-11-23T15:30:00.002Z

I Like: having a subscription to The Week and receiving my weekly copy of compact news every Thursday. Yes, this month, I’ve been sucked into reading every political news article found online and in print in the media. Maybe it’s down to the drastic change in weather has been sucking any life and excitement out of me. I’ve just been spiraling down into a mild depression. There’s no better way of realizing how insignificant your life is in the grand scheme of things than reading the current political news and learning about the cuts and changes that are being made in our grand “democratic” isles. Democracy, my friend, is an illusion.

I Love: that my dad is back in the UK. He moved back to the Caribbean over 4 years ago. His dream was one of development and recapturing that fire in grassroots community development activities that he did so much of from a youth all the way to his thirties… before he moved to London. He wanted to go back and make a change in his community. But the thing with making a change is that some people get threatened and will turn against you and will make your life a near living HELL. So, I’m in two minds about him being back. Happy that he’s back with his family, but sad that the reality in our little politically divided SVG has squashed the hard work of a man who is dedicated to his country. We must endeavour to not let politically parties and ideals divide us. We must stand for justice and trust and stand against injustice and cruelty. Instead of being selfish, we must continue to look out for each other. Remember the story of the Good Samaritan.

I don’t Like: many things this month. I’m not a fan of the weather. It is dark and dismal and this week, it might snow. I’m really a child of the sun. This time of the year, I shrink away from life. I dislike feeling the chill in my bones. I hate having to wear clothing that seems to weigh more than me. I feel so awkward in my coat and the bulky jackets. I seem to be cruising through the year and hoping and praying for the summer sun.

I want you to know: PMS is a female DOG!

I plan: to spend the last week of the year in a nice cottage tucked away somewhere in the deep Welsh countryside. I can’t wait!

I want to say to someone special: I’m proud of YOU!

I am a Superwoman

2010-11-15T15:05:00.002Z

Couple weeks ago, Stylist, a free weekly fashion magazine, did an article on the superwomen syndrome of our ear. Today’s women are not only juggling work, family and home, but also a busy social life, varying hobbies and fitness activities. We’re waking up earlier, commuting further, spending more on anti-aging creams and potions and juggling a million and one things.

I can really vouch for this. Since I started working at a 9-5, I had to reorganize and strive to find some form of a balance in activities so that I will feel more of a well rounded individual. The daily grind of work most times is not creative and I must do something creative, I tell myself or else my brain will melt into porridge. This has not necessarily been scientifically proven in Nature, but my boy friend will vouch for this. I get antsy and start snapping like a dog. Creativity and having an avenue of expression definitely helps.

The modern woman is assaulted by billboards and magazines of what the perfect shape should be. This is not found only on the pages of fashion magazines, but by the Government and medical society. A woman should eat only 2000 calories a day. She must exercise and get the heart racing daily. So, in her business life, she must put in time to go to the gym or to run or ride in the park and yet still have energy to perform sexual favours in the bedroom to her partner. In a nutshell, the modern woman must be a Wonder Woman.

To have a balance life, you must have a vibrant social life. To move up in work, one must go to after work drinks from time to time so as to bond with colleagues and make the management see that you are a go-getter and a team player. With the growing culture of alcoholic drinks, you can’t appear tame. You might as well have a glass of wine in your hands. But remember, a modern woman must be careful of her alcoholic intake. One glass of wine is good, but how about asking the bar man to pour you some cranberry juice in a wine glass. That’ll fool them. Healthy and Safety is dear to our modern woman. Strange things might happen if you get to tipsy. The modern woman better learn some form of martial arts.

So not only must we be proactive and hardworking at work, fit, healthy and trim and also exciting and creative, we must know how to cook from scratch. Why? Because of family deserve to eat healthy and tasty foods minus the threat of too much salts, fats and additives. Thankfully, the modern woman has the world-wide-web in the form of a mobile app at her figure tips where she can find recipes to make tasty, less than 30 minute preparation type foods.

With all these things that are look for by us modern woman, you wonder at times why some women just burn out. Why we find it hard to juggle everything that is pushed unto us. Why sometimes we’re too tired to have a decent and well-meaning conversation with our partners. Why our legs are toned from all the rushing about, while our stomach has more flab than our frame can take. Why we’re always fatigue because every minute counts. Why we find it so hard to just be and shut off. We were not supposed to be superwomen. We are simply women. It’s time we make our own schedules and rules! Who’s with me?

Hold up, let me know in a bit. I’m off to the gym!

A Piece of ME… In October, 2010

2010-10-27T11:45:00.003+01:00

I Like: My holiday was amazing. It felt like I was there for ages when I was there, but then it felt too short now that I’m back in cold London. Antigua was cool! My friend had a beautiful wedding and I was so happy that I was there to witness it. I also met a fellow Caribbean blogger, Kimolisa and her family. She is amazing. I thought that Antigua was too touristy, but on the last day there, she took me all over the island and I had a glimpse of local life in this island of three hundred and sixty five plus beaches. She took me to the local eatery of choice, The Big Apple Deli. We had the chicken sandwich and it was so huge that it saved me from Virgin crap so-called “Muslim” meal. In such a short time, she took Gokhan and me to Devil’s Bridge, Betty’s Hope, all over the South side of the island and St John’s. I will definitely go back to Antigua, thanks to her.

I Love: How can I go to the Caribbean and be so close and not go home. The wedding was on Wednesday and on Thursday morning; I was very tired of the “resort” life. Resort life is definitely not a true representation of the heart beat of the Caribbean. It was too isolated and I’m not that of a beach person. I need to hike, see mountains and rugged terrain. I need to interact with the local life. I definitely don’t need to lounge around with so many orange and burnt big bellies in Speedos and bikinis. So, Thursday morning we took a taxi to the airport and purchased an overpriced LIAT ticket to St Vincent for two nights. Yes, I’ll be broke for the rest of the month, but it was worth it. Gokhan finally was able to see where I grew up and meet my grandmas and relatives. It was great to show him the little shortcuts I used to walk to go to school and also for him to see my alma mater, Girls’ High School and randomly meet my favourite maths teacher. It was a beautiful holiday! Even more, when he said that he’d love to live in St Vincent.

I don’t like: How can you be in the Caribbean and not eat Caribbean food or fruits? That was my dilemma at the resort. Did I come all the way here to eat American food? I don’t even eat it in London. Hmmm! I was definitely disappointed. I asked myself, who is actually destroying the Caribbean resorts for Caribbean nationals? – The Tourists or the Resort owners? Why travel all the way to a foreign place if you only want to eat your kind of food? I actually witnessed many tourists by-pass the escovitch fish and rush to the bacon and pancakes. Gokhan and I actually lost weight, which is unheard of in the Caribbean. I never actually finished any of my food and breakfast for me was only raisin-bran cereal. It’s been three days since I’ve been back in the UK and lord, I’m cold. The cold has spread to my bones.

I want you to know: that if you have to go anywhere in Life, go to the Caribbean. The best bet is to stay at a guest house close or in the capital. Please please, don’t ever do all inclusive. Ask around and I’m sure a local will tell you where the places are to eat. If I’d known about the Big Apple Deli, I would have been there every day. One place you should visit is St Vincent and the Grenadines. It was amazing seeing my country through the eyes of Gokhan.

I plan: to start planning my holiday to St Vincent for next year. I’m praying that something will work out so that I can spend more than 2 weeks at least. I don’t mind. It can be winning the lottery. I don’t want to stay too long away from home again.

I want to say to someone special: In this case, a special country and a special people!!

Happy 31st anniversary of Independence to my beautiful home land!!!

Boot camp 106 – The Last Lap

2010-10-15T10:56:00.002+01:00

One of my favourite party songs is “Last Lap (Down d road” by the Soca artistes Destra and Naya George. This is my last day in Boot camp. Have I seen any physical changes? I’m not sure and bothered. The main thing is that I feel good. I feel more awake, alive, less stressed, more relaxed, happy at the fact that I’m finally working out and enjoying it and that Boot camp has come to an end. Well, after the last two classes, this is a repeat of Boot camp 102 – Fit Ball and Vibe. Even better, two friends will be coming with me to share in the pain.

Fit Ball, as you know, is conditioning exercises done on a big Swiss Ball. At the end of the class, the instructor told me that I was much better this week. Yeah!! I wish I can take pictures of the positions that I hate on the Fit Ball. I’ve asked the bf to get me a Swiss Ball. It’ll be nice to continue with the exercises at home.

You know from the last post, I said that my favourite part of Vibe is the intense vibration/massage bit. Well, my friend hated that part and the whole experience. She said that she felt violated. Lol! I’m going to still try and persuade her to give it another go. I’ll definitely continue doing Vibe at Frame, especially after reading the benefits of using the Power Plate.

Extract from The Guardian website
Power-Plate is a machine that gives the body's muscles a high-speed workout by using vibrations to stimulate them to contract and relax. They generally contract once or twice a second, but by standing on the Power-Plate, its vibrations cause an automatic reflex muscle contraction of 30-50 a second.

Power-Plate is a great time-saver due to the effectiveness of training and the fact that many muscle groups are activated at the same time. It's claimed that 10 minutes on the Power-Plate will have the same results as 60 minutes of conventional strenuous training.

I’ll definitely encourage everyone to try the Vibe workout at Frame at least once.

Now that I have done the Boot camp, I’m interested in continuing my own form of work out boot camp one hr a day, 2 days a week. I’ve booked up for four classes next week. The same dreaded Cardio Rebounding on Monday. On that same day, I’ll be trying Quickie Abs. I’ve also booked Fit Ball and Vibe for Tuesday. I’ve also had the support of one friend each on both days, which is pretty cool!

Hope to see you at FRAME!!!

Boot camp 105 – On a Natural HIGH grade

2010-10-12T14:01:00.002+01:00

242/365 at Theories of Anything on Flickr

This week’s first set of classes are the “lovely” Cardio Rebounding and Vibe at Frame. I’m really feeling the benefits of taking a couple of days off in-between gym sessions. My butt has come back to feeling normal and pain-free again after the Spinning class last week.

I decided to give Cardio Rebounding another go. Maybe I thought, I’ll have more energy, stamina and coordination. Boy was I wrong. I don’t know how kids do it. They can spend hours jumping high up and down on the trampoline and never seem to get tired.

Even though, I try to engross myself in the music that is pumping in the room, I’m still very much aware of my aching legs. Maybe, I need to free up myself more. Maybe, I need to chill, laugh and scream, instead of suffering silently in agony.

Vast improvement from last week, I must admit. I kept up with the others much better and I was slightly a bit more coordinated. I even saw a few girls struggle a little – less than me. But that made me feel better. At least, I’m progressing. The next step is for me to try and raise my knees a bit higher and JUMP. Agony!

The best part of Vibe is the intense burst of vibration/massage after the classes. It’s too intense to find pleasurable, but I’m sure at a lower setting some women might just enjoy the vibe classes a bit more. The hardest part is the squat. The squat by itself is unbearable, but on a Power Plate. Excruciating!

Boot camp so far has been painful, yet amazing. I feel amazing and happy after every session thanks to the full bursts of endorphins. Endorphins are the body’s natural feel good chemicals, and when they are released through exercise, your mood is boosted naturally. As well endorphins, exercise also releases adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine. These chemicals work together to make you feel good. For the past three weeks, I’ve actually been walking on a natural high.

Boot camp 104 – Know your limit; STOP

2010-10-08T16:43:00.003+01:00

[source]

The pressure that I forced on myself to get fit and tone came to a head way yesterday. Yesterday was supposed to be my 4th session at the gym, but my legs had had enough and my cold returned. This time with runny and block nose and shivering.

The lessons learnt were many. For one, my gym limit is 2 days or 4 sessions. Anymore and I’ll crash. I need to give my muscles and body a chance to heal and regain its strength. The second lesson learnt was never to work out when ill or when feeling under the weather. A little exercise and raise heart rate, won’t keep the cold, sniffles and cough at bay. The third lesson was a gentle reminder – Always listen to your body. You will know when enough is enough.

So Boot Camp 104 might seem to some (like my bf) as me copping out and giving up, but I haven’t given up. I just need to take it easy because at the end of the day, I’m not obese. I only want to look good in a bikini. If that doesn’t occur, then I could buy some shawls and fancy coverings to display my hidden frame on the beach. I might as well get comfortable and get use to this gut. Working out on a tight deadline is never good. Bring on Summer 2011!

Boot camp 103 – Grit your teeth; bear it

2010-10-07T10:03:00.003+01:00

[source]

I’m writing this the day after my third session at Frame, sore in every area possible on my body, except the face. Last night was all about gritting my teeth, pushing my legs and body to the limit (well, nearly) and smiling at the end because I got through it.

The sessions I had were Vibe and the Cardio Ride. I had the same instructor for both, who was a male this time. Damn was he fit and toned with a lovely accent. In Vibe, it was only two of us girls and him. He coached us through a lot of “intense” legs and abs exercises on the Power plate. I believed that my face had a thorough work out from all that gritting. I moaned my Venus and Serena over the throbbing sounds of the power plate trying to get that last bit of energy to push through.

I had an hr wait between classes, thanks to the quick thinking of changing my Vibe class to an hour early when I overheard from the receptionist that three persons have cancelled. The receptions/Trainers have been very helpful and accommodating. For instance, I got there very early and she asked me what music I’d like to listen to. It was nice to have my own personal DJ for a minute or two.

By the time the spinning/cycling class came around, my legs were still numb. But, I gritted my teeth and went into the next class. It was 8 of us and the same male instructor. Where does he store all that energy? He was on fire throughout the class, working hard along with us. Motivating us to spin spin spin! Sprinting, standing, crouching, sprinting, standing, crouching over and over, we went with the beat. We – well sometimes we didn’t include me.

The last time my butt rested on a bike seat was over 3 years ago. So, I felt bruised and partially violated at the end. The sequence of cycling and doing upper body push-ups were a bit chaotic at times for my legs to coordinate. But I pushed through, while gritting my teeth and was awarded a high FIVE from the Instructor. Ahhh! It makes it all worthwhile. I was glowing inside.

Now, that was a work out. I’ve never sweated so much in my life. I’m definitely looking forward to going to his classes again. Even though, I had problems walking down the stairs to Old Street Underground station. It didn’t bother me that much. I just gritted my teeth and sucked in the pain, knowing that I’m on my way to becoming toned and trim.

Health – Lose Weight; Do more Harm

2010-10-06T10:25:00.002+01:00

Aren’t we all tired of scientific research that just doesn’t seem to make sense? Everything that tastes good might cause cancer. Going to work can cause cancer. Too much exercise, yes, might cause heart failure. Drinking too much water can kill you. We might as well do whatever we like because we’re all heading to the same final venue.

I believe that this new finding is on the same league as the many obscure scientific research findings. Researchers in South Korea have discovered that long-term weight loss could have a damaging effect on our health. Thank God for plastic surgery and gastric by-pass quick fixes.

A study has shown that when fatty tissues break down during weight loss they release harmful persistent organic pollutants into the bloodstream. This can lead to insulin resistance, which is an early sign of diabetes.

So after the many years of hearing that weight loss is good and weight gain is bad, here is good news for our growing pollution of obese people. The benefits of weight loss have been labeled as dogmatic.

Stay fat; get sick. Lose weight; get sick.

HMMMMM!

Boot camp 102 – Bring a friend; embarrass yourself

2010-10-05T15:50:00.003+01:00

One of the signs of knowing who you are and being comfortable in yourself is to not be afraid of making a fool of yourself. Not everyone can be Hollywood perfect and look good from all angles. We can’t be cool 24/7. Exercising and trying new classes are just one of the many ways to embarrass oneself. Why not bring a friend along to find humour in your awkward movements.

I booked in for two sessions on my second day of Boot camp – Fit Ball Workout and of course Vibe. A friend of mines came along for the Fit Ball Workout. The Fit Ball workout is 45 minutes of whole body conditioning using a huge Swiss ball. Who ever thought that bouncing on a ball would be so excruciating? The class is said to be fantastic for toning and strengthening your abs, back, butt and arms using the basic principles of Pilates. My friend was behind me in the class and she had a right laugh from seeing my skinny legs trembling in the air without inhibition.

Yet again, I was in agony, my legs were like jelly and I realized that I was definitely unfit. Again like many of the classes offered at Frame, there are easier/harder alternatives for each exercise, making it suitable for all body types, shapes and abilities.

I had a thirty minute break between classes to calm my trembling legs and take a toilet break. These exercises really work your lower stomach. Feeling much lighter, I walked a tad bit more confident into the Vibe classes. I had the same instructor as last time and she remembered that I was still a newbie. The class went a bit quicker than before. The exercises that we did for a minute each were even different than the last session. The highlight near to the end of each class is the wind-down stretches lying on the vibrating plate in various poses which double up as a near full body massage.

I left Frame with a huge smile on my face and trembling legs.

Boot camp 101 – Right Gear; Right Attitude

2010-10-01T13:56:00.003+01:00

[source]

Get there on time with the right gear and the right attitude is the right first step for a slim line body. Finally, I had the chance to wear my puma harem pants that I bought in Boston. I got to Frame an hr before my first set of classes and was greeted by two friendly receptionists. They also double up as class instructors. I booked in all my 12 Boot camp session to spread over 2 weeks and also had some extra cash on my new Frame Top Up card just in case I’d like to go to any other classes outside the 12 sessions.

The Frame Top Up Card is ideal for anyone who according to them, aren’t looking for a long team relationship – the dreaded monthly membership. I call it dreaded because I’ve had gym memberships on two occasions already. The direct debit came out every month without fail, yet I fail to show up at the gym after I fell off the high after one month. You can’t cancel because you’ve signed your cash away for a year and so you carry on paying money for a service that you can’t motivate yourself to use. At Frame, you can top-up a minimum of £50 and book online for the classes at a discount. This is definitely up my alley.

The first sessions I’d booked in for the day was Vibe and then back to back Rebounding. What is Rebounding you may ask? I was about to find out. I was the only new girl out of four in the Vibe class. Yep! Only four of us in the class with the instructor – just what I like. The near benefits of one-on-one sessions without the huge price tag. The vibe class was made up of a series of exercises performed for a minute each, on a vibrating platform. I actually thought that this class would be easy. But I found out that trying to do press ups with your hands centered on the vibrating platform is not at all. The good thing about this class was that there are always easier/harder alternatives for each exercise and so the class is suitable for everyone. I got all the easier alternatives thanks to my instructor pitying me. Yet, after the class my legs felt like jelly.

Rebounding was an experience. Again, there were four of us with the instructor and we all had mini trampolines. Yes! You head me right – mini trampolines. Is it weird that I’ve never jumped on a trampoline before? Seems easy and fun when I see kids do it, but Lord have mercy I found it hard to keep a firm balance. The music was pumping! Dizzy Rascal and other UK drum and base type dance music was resonating from every corner of the room. Yeah, I could get into this. I’m black. I have rhythm! I can dance! WRONG! The mirrors around the room clearing indicated that embarrassingly this girl was awkward, had no rhythm or balance and couldn’t keep up with some simple aerobics on a trampoline. The shame! I need to practice at home in the privacy of my room before I come back to next week’s class. But, I definitely had a good work out and felt amazing. The fact that I tried and I’m doing exercise again makes me feel all warm and slim inside.

Travelling – 25 days a yr

2010-09-30T12:49:00.002+01:00

Bergen from Above uploaded via Theories of Anything on Flickr

My first holiday since starting work is just around the corner. I’m so excited. It’ll also be the first holiday with my boy friend, in spite us being together for nearly 4 years. This is the first time; he’ll ever visit the Caribbean as well. I think that Antigua will be a lovely introduction for him, before he visits my island of birth St Vincent. Visiting St Vincent for a week would not have been a holiday. It’ll be a week or two of visiting family and relatives. We would have needed another week’s holiday to get over the tiredness. I’m definitely looking forward to being a tourist and just relaxing. I don’t even want to plan any activities. Right now, all I want to do is relax on the beach, eat food and listen to the sounds that totally unique to the Caribbean.

For me, the main reason for working is to have the money to shop and to travel. It might be selfish, but at least let me enjoy it while it last. I have no responsibilities. Yes, I need to start saving and which I will do once I get back from my holiday. After not working for nearly two years, there are still a lot of things that I want/need to get and places that I want/need to see. How can I pack all this travelling and exploration into 25 days a year? I’ll definitely need to max out my bank-holiday weekends into Europe and Turkey, while saving the bulk of the holidays to seeing more expensive locations like the Caribbean, Northern Cyprus and Asia. Is it too early for me to be thinking about 3 monthly sabbaticals?

The Job - Our Dependency on Networks

2010-09-29T10:44:00.001+01:00

What will we do without our cyber links, connections and networks? This is the fourth day that the network has been down at work and my work literally has come to a standstill. I cannot check my work emails and even if I could have checked them, I cannot do my job. The whole focus of our business is to be able to provide data from third parties to Banks and Investors through the world-wide-web. Any disconnect means no work.

I’m left here at my desk with only the usage of Microsoft tools pondering about our dependency on doing everything over the web. I remember in 2006 while doing my master’s dissertation research in St Vincent, I was astonished that most offices only have one or two computers. Many desks had the normally files and folders, but not even a computer. I saw a few typewriters. I thought that this is really Stone Age.

But look at us now; we’ve been paralyzed by this disconnection. We’re losing money by second just because we are so dependent on technology.

The Time is now; Get fit at Frame

2010-09-27T16:02:00.003+01:00

One sign of aging is the slowdown of the metabolism. No longer can you eat anything and everything as if it’s going out of style. The weight piles on at the worst and obvious places – around the stomach and on the hips. The exercise needed in those areas is difficult. There’s really no quick fit. Walking doesn’t help. You hate running because you get out of breath and find it hard to breathe. You can’t stand the feeling of your heart racing. Let’s not talk about sweat. You hate sweating… the heat, the itchiness… You hate it all. But more than that, you hate looking at your new “deform” shape in the mirror. This reflection looks foreign. That’s not me you scream! That can’t be me. But it is. You have perfect vision and you’re in your right mind and senses. You cannot be fooled. No matter how hard you try, you cannot deceive yourself into thinking that this figure is a delusion.

You have to give it up. You cannot boast anymore about not working out. You need the gym. The gym from now on will be your saviour. The gym, that testosterone-pack place that you never venture, will now be a monument of your new Age. This new age has dashed you into the near-30 to 40 group of YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! Calories are now directly proportional to triple time at the gym. Better start perfecting crunches, planks and sit-ups. You search the internet for endless quick fixes that are in the reach of your pocket. Nope - You can’t afford cosmetic surgery. Nope - You can’t afford these new types of laser treatments. Burning out the fat won’t help you in the long run. The fat will just develop at an even more awkward place like your chin and your neck. You got the visual now. Yes, the horror that will become you, just because you prefer to take the easy road in getting fit.

You then start searching for alternate gyms. “How can you make the gym fun?” you may ask. How about Yoga, Pilates and Dance? You reminisce about your youth. The many nights dancing and moving to the beat the clubs from sunset to sunrise. The mornings after those dancing sessions when your muscles ached in places you never knew muscles were. Your slender, youthful body sleeked and toned.

A light bulb moment.

TING!!!

Why not do a dance class or two? Google becomes your friend as you raced across London (or where ever you may be), looking for the right class.

Your criteria… - lots of music, sweating, no steps and chorography to learn because you don’t do that kind of dancing. It must be energetic, free, lots of hip movements. It must claim to lengthen legs, tone stomach, and improve flexibility.

The dynamic power of Google flexed its muscles in cyberspace and belched up “Move your frame” . Based 30 minutes walk from your work, in Shoreditch, a place for people who cannot function in gyms. That’s your kind of people. A place where a holistic approach to losing weight and keeping fit is priority. Why not bite the bullet and immerse yourself in their emergency boot camp? 6 thirty minute session doing various exercises on the Power Plate vibrating platform and 6 thirty minute quick cardio sessions all spread over 2 weeks. Why not? Piece of cake… right?

A piece of me... In September, 2010

2010-09-26T10:23:00.004+01:00

257/365 from Theories of Anything on Flickr

I Like: the fact that I have gotten off my lazy behind and start the process of actively getting fit. Most days, I normally imagine myself running and exercising and that was enough to make me feel like I’m done some strenuous activity. But as the stomach fat been creeping on, I’ve stopped deluding myself that thinking and visualizing myself exercising and sweating is enough.

I don’t like: that the weather has changed so drastically. I hate saying goodbye to summer. But I’m looking forward to my week’s vacation to Antigua in October.

I want you to know: that I have an online shopping addiction and I need help. Feels better! Admitting and honesty really does help.

I plan: to relax and be lazy for one whole week on a beautiful Caribbean island that has three hundred and sixty-five beaches… one for each day of the year.

I want to say to someone special: Can’t wait for our FIRST holiday together!!!

FIVE is my lucky number

2010-09-14T09:10:00.002+01:00

253/365 at Theories of Anything on Flickr

September is passing so quickly. It seems as if I’m sleepwalking through each day… well, sleep walking and working. My body is telling me that I need to take a break. My mind is pleading to her, “Hold on, for one more month”. It’s amazing the changes that we go through, from the first time you actually know your own mind and self, through to school days of long lazy summers. Time felt endless. Then onward to university days of long summers spent at work, instead of lounging just because you want some money in your pocket and to be a bit more adult. Now as an adult with only 20 odd days holiday a year that you can never take in one go, you’re wishing for those long summers of University. You regret working during those endless summer days. You wish that you can go back in time and be a carefree, irresponsible so-and-so.

Back then, I idealized work and having a career. Now, I guess I have transitioned into an adult. Work and Life have made me cynical. I spend my 9-FIVE days looking forward to those mini short breaks called Vacation. Those periods of time and ecstasy littered throughout the year. My “life-line” has transformed to what is known as “Bank Holiday Mondays”. We try to pack as much excitement into those FIVE odd Mondays a year. Life is so mocking that it rains nearly every bank holiday.

This seems and feels like a dismal life. There has to be more to life than the daily grind and wishing/hoping to win the lottery. What is there out there other than the daily glances at the clock as the long and short hand drag towards FIVE? I love that silly number FIVE. FIVE means freedom. FIVE means that I can be me. FIVE means that I might catch a few seconds, minutes, hours or so of what remains of daylight. FIVE means that I can be creative, instead of a robot owned by a corporation from nine to FIVE.

As the days count down towards my first holiday, I’m anxious about my life. Every day on the train, I look at women similar age as me, yet their under eyes are like suitcases, instead of bags. I look at them and wonder, “Will this be my fate? I rush home and mask, tone and moisturize”. Their eyes tell a sad tale of late nights at the office hoping and yearning for that promotion, little sleep because they just can’t shut off, poor diet due to being nose deep in the rat race and nil exercise/saving for that nip/tuck.

One thing I have learnt though is that you have to grab life by its balls and take charge. Maybe that’s why on Wednesday, I’ll be checking out this alternate gym. This wonderful oasis in the heart of Shoreditch claims to be the place for people who just can’t get into the gym. They offer a wide selection of dance, yoga and Pilates classes - for a premium of price of course. This just seems to be what I have been longing for after 2 failed gym memberships. Hopefully the classes will improve my mental stimulation and prepare me for my week long holiday in the Sun.

A week in the Caribbean!! Bwoy, I never thought that one day I’ll only go to the Caribbean for a week. How will I be able to pack everything into one week? That will be a challenge. Another challenge will be not to over pack. We, Caribbean people, are known to always have luggages that are over-weight.

A piece of ME... in August, 2010

2010-08-26T13:39:00.005+01:00

235/365 from Theories of Anything on Flickr

I Like: that I’m improving with my photography. I started nearly one-to-one photography classes once a week on Aug 10th. It’s an 8 week course and like a dream come through. I’ve done three weeks so far and the teacher, one other student and I have been lurking around The Thames practicing our shots, fiddling with the buttons to get the right settings to take the perfect exposure shots of landscapes and portraits. I’ve created a new album on Flickr to demonstrate my progress. Please check it out and let me know what you think. This week, my focus is on portraits and I’ll be terrorizing my friends to model for me.

I don’t Like: I did a post of the things I “hated” about myself. This was no pity post, but an honest review of characteristics that I think need improving and the cosmetics that I could do without. This assignment actually was a joy to write. I realized once more that those quirky and “pathetic” stuff that I don’t like about myself, I actually have accepted and like them in some way. Just as I published the post, I actually saw on face book that someone commented on her status bar that and I quote

“I think there r some crazy people out there who decides to have blogs and write there whole life on them. How sad get ah life”.

I know that she’s referring to me because I’m the only one that she knows that has a blog. I don’t understand why she’s “throwing words”. I never once mentioned or referred to her. If any specific and finger-pointing bitching is taking place on this blog, it’s me bitching about me. All I can say is that I have no shame in being honest and whether I choose to post it on blog or tell my friends, it doesn’t matter. I have no shame in my short comings. It’s better to be open and free than to be closed and suppress.

I want you to know: I turned 28th a few weeks ago. Age is just a number indeed. I still feel as if I’m in my early twenties.

I’ve planned: to be healthy and get fit from now on. I'm still trying to figure out which gym to join or should I just do dance instead. I'm not good at motivating myself to go to a gym. I had planned to fast for Ramadan, but after the time of the month came and went, I couldn’t restart my fast properly. I’m also finding it difficult to wake up in the morning to break it. So, it’s been a disappointing, but eye opening period. I had dinner at my friend’s house on Sunday. I broke the fast with her family. It was the first time I saw the family/cultural side of Islam. So, next month, it'll be all about fitness!

I want to say to someone special: We’re in this together!!!

When the World Overwhelms

2010-08-24T17:02:00.004+01:00

Gokhan's needs at Theories of Anything on Flickr

When the world seems to overwhelm
When Life is getting you down
Don’t give in
Don’t give up
Maybe it’s time for you
To learn how to Chill

Rest on the grass
Feel the earth beneath your skin
Relax for once from the hustle
Close your eyes
Relax your muscles
Stop tensing

Focus your mind on one thought
Life is Beautiful
Let the sounds of life
Fill you
Immersed in the ocean of sounds
Just be

Get back to how it was
As a child
When the world was simple
And everything was
New
And every question started with a WHY

By Als Simmons, 23rd August, 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "When the World Overwhelms"

13 things I hate about me!

2010-08-20T16:29:00.004+01:00

227/365 from Theories of Anything on Flickr

They say that HATE is a strong word.. But still.... Inspired and stolen - My Life of Something like it

1)I hate that I want what I can’t have most times… When I wasn’t working, I wanted to be working. Now that I have a job, I’m craving those free times I had. I want to get married, yet I want to stay a girl friend. When I was slim, I wanted to have more weight. Now that I have more weight, I miss being slim. When I had locs, I wanted my hair loose. Now that my hair is pathetically loose, I want back my locs. Moral of the story? Always appreciate what you have.

2)I just can’t seem to make up my mind. I want to live in London, yet I can’t wait to leave and travel the world. But when I visit Boston/New York for 3 weeks for work, I couldn’t wait to get back to London. Next day in London, I was missing New York. I can be very confusing to be around.

3)I shop online when I’m down and I’m been down a lot of too long. Maybe, I need to disconnect the internet. I shop and then depress myself even more because I’ve shopped after I have done the deed. My taste is being more expensive. I hate that! I listen to myself go on and on about quality, cut and finishing in disgust. Who is that imposter?!

4)I hate that I’m weak. I understand and sympathies too much. I always try to find the best in people. Then I get upset and bitch when they show their true colours. Come on! Why do I delude myself and not follow my intuition? I need to start living for me more.

5)I hate that I’m so lazy when it comes to exercising. Even with gym membership, I can’t motivate myself to go. I look at my ever expanding stomach with loathing and I imagine myself sweating and exercising, but that is as far as it goes. I’m lazy!

6)I’m not a fan of living at home… STILL LIVING AT Home! I hate that I have never lived away from home… It’s as if I’ve missed so much of being a student at university and being a twenty-something working in the City.

7)Wish I was a bold rebel and not a “sly” rebel. Piercings/tattoos will remain hidden. Swearing will just be foul thoughts in my head. The middle finger will remain on the same plane as the others.

8)Physically, I hate my hair. It’s true. I’ve been missing my locs all summer. This hair now feels and looks too thin and fragile. I miss the length of my locs and how it framed my face. I feel ugly. It’s true! Why try to hide it!

9)To speak another language or two will be a dream. Why do I find it so hard to just study? My brain My Brain... Why are you forsaking me? I hate that I have no patience. My dream languages are Turkish, Arabic and Norwegian.

10)I hate that I always want to do everything at once. Why are there only 24 hrs in a day? Yet, I still waste a lot of those hours procrastinating. I’m always trying to learn too much, then burn out. How can I fit learning languages (not just one), photography, learning an instrument, doing a makeup course, studying for the CFA, travelling and relaxing all in one year?

11)I hate that I have a short attention span, a short temper and only 5”4’! But what can I do? I guess I have to make the most of what I was born with and maybe try anger-management.

12)I hate that I’m moody… I hope that my mood doesn’t affect my little siblings. I hope that I will become friendlier. It might be too late. I believe that my personality is now cast in stone.

13)Let’s not refer to my close friendship with social media. I hate it! I definitely admire those people who have not confirmed to technology. I’m impress when I meet someone who has never owned a mobile phone and don’t want to. Social media is actually robbing us when it comes to our community and face to face interactions. Inviting someone to your wedding on Facebook? That’s not green! That’s laziness!! Let’s not make social media a substitute. Men loving and marrying manikins and women who buys real life doll babies to mother come to mind.

Happy Friday Everyone!!

The Religion of the Seeker

2010-08-19T17:54:00.003+01:00

The Beacon on Theories of Anything on Flickr

The Religion of the Seeker
Might not be considered a religion,
But an assortment of beliefs –
A kaleidoscope of many religions
Carefully handpicked –
Selected on what appeals
To the Seeker’s thoughts on Morality and Life

The Religion of the Seeker
To them
Is Blasphemous
A dismissal of GOD
A ridicule to Humanity
A mixture of profane thoughts and non-actions
Truly a non-religion

The Religion of the Seeker
Is misunderstood by the masses
Shunned and snubbed, he rejects the vain traditions
Though he may be silent
His presence makes a RACKET
In the wilderness of empty reactions
He’s a Beacon – A Leper – Feared - Disregarded

The Lone Seeker
Yearns to have deep communion
With his Lord and God
So, he seeks with all his heart.
Longing to be in the presence of the divinity
He seeks the Holies of Holies
At every nook and cranny

Finding God is his reason for Sanity
He walks around dazed like a lunatic
Beseeching heaven’s door
For Life’s meaning
His requests appears to have fallen on deaf ears
Yet, The Seeker still seeks
What is most priceless than Gold

Maybe one day Heaven might grant his wish
But what will he ever be, if he never seeks
How can one’s mind fathom
The heights and depths
That is the Creator – The IMPOSSIBLE
The religion of the Seeker
Has always been unsatisfying

By Als Simmons 13th August, 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "The Religion of the Seeker"

An Interlude of Thoughts

2010-08-13T17:03:00.004+01:00

218/365 on Theories of Anything - Flickr

The internet connection is down at work and so I cannot do my job. It’s amazing how everything stops when you can’t connect to the World Wide Web. We’ve become paralysed as a company. Our whole market is dependent on our clients being able to access through invisible connections like the web and FTP sites. But thankfully, my brain doesn’t stop working when these lines are down. My creativity will always continue to slow once the neuron connections within keep firing.

It’s been a while now since I haven’t written any substantial musings. I’ve become too busy trying to rebuild a career. This is the first job where 9 to 5 means non-stop working from 9 to 5, with a Thank-God hour break for lunch. I work non-stop from when I get in until my colleagues in the US starts their work day. Once they are in, I then can ease up on those assignments and then start working with another team. I’ve never worked so hard for the sterling.

But I’m ecstatic! Finally, I have a job. Finally, I can progress onwards within this weird place of adulthood that I have found myself. I have two main things to say before my mind wanders from me. First, I turned twenty-eight on Monday. I still can’t believe that I am in my LATE twenties. On a day to day basis, I feel and believe that I’m around 21… no older. I only realize my “number” age when friends and acquaintances my age and younger start having kids and getting married. That’s when I say to myself, “Shit! I’m old!” Naturally, when I hit 28, I was bombarded by questions on when I’m going to have kids. My natural response is that I’m still young, there’s no rush and I want to be married first. That is then followed by, “Your biological clock is ticking”. Followed by me responding, “My biological clock is just fine”. Why are people now so concerned about this mythical clock?

Secondly, I’m really happy to be working. For the past two birthdays, I was unemployed. So, I didn’t even mind having to work on my birthday. To me, working was the best way to celebrate turning around year older. I’m thankful to have a job and so you won’t hear any complaining from me this year.

Ramadan began on Wednesday. I fasted on Wednesday, but have to take a 5 day pause because the time of the month is here. The first day of fasting was intense. I woke up at 4 before sunrise to eat, but couldn’t get anything down, but water. So, I started Wednesday on empty. Lunch time, I walked around the shops to distract myself from food. I felt so shaky! The first days are always the most difficult. Broke my fast at 8:37 with my bf and his mum, but could only eat soup and bread. I went to bed with a migraine and woke up at 3 the next morning to welcome the time of the month and put my fasting on hold. Bummer! Next week, I have to restart again from scratch.

You may wonder and most likely, you may not… Why is a Christian fasting on Ramadan?
Well, more on that later! Let me try and see if the internet is working, so that I can start earning what they’re paying me. Have a great day!!

Open Up Your Sky

2010-08-07T17:35:00.004+01:00

After weeks of worrying that I would be consumed by work now that I'm working, I finally felt inspired to write. I was at work and received a picture of a painting that my favourite artist did of me. From that instant, I had to write. Even though, I pushed the urge from me so that I could continue with my work, I just couldn't focus on work. I had to let it out.

Thanks Toni for always being an inspiration.... She inspired me before with a similar portrait called "Called to the Sky". You can see more of her paintings here and her writings can be found here.

Open Up Your Sky painting by Toni Cogdell

Open Up your Sky
Inhale Deeply
Breathe in the clouds
The Moon
The Stars
Take in the rays
The heat of the Sun
Let it warm you
Be Free
Feel Free

Bask in the sweet smell
Of Liberty
Life is beautiful
Say it
Believe it

See clearly
Listen carefully
To the symphonies of
The birds’ love songs
Let nature’s melody
Enclose you
For Once
Be Pure
Stay Pure

Life is simple
Shout it
Live it
Detach from the stress
Drop your sword
Leave the battle field
With your head up high

Relax
Within the hustle
Among the Noise
Listen to the silence
Open up your Sky

Inhale deeply
Breathe
Listen
See
Feel
Stay
Rest
Just BE

Poem by Als Simmons 5th August, 2010

A piece of me... In July, 2010

2010-07-26T04:49:00.004+01:00

Boston Harbour via Theories of Anything on Flickr

I like: that I’m going back to London in 3 days! A lot has happened so quickly. If you have kept up to date with my blog, you may remember that due to my passport being stolen back in 2008, I had to stop working while I reapply for a new passport and permanent residency status in the UK. It took 18 months for my residency to come through and within that time, I did a lot of volunteering. In Feb of this year, I finally got my passport and mid June, I got a new job and started working again on the 26th July. Two weeks ago, I went to Boston for job training and to meet my new employers. It was great to finally see the faces and develop friendships with my co-workers. Before that, I had only spoken to them and had over the phone training. So much has happened so quickly! I’ve spent the two weekends in New York City! It was amazing spending time with my friends and family after not seeing them for 10 yrs. I really like how my life is flowing and can’t wait to get back to London to see my boy friend.

I don’t like: feeling lonely. One major part of travelling for work is spending evenings alone in a hotel room. Another thing I didn’t like this month is being jetlagged and developing once again weird sleeping patterns. So far, my mornings and evenings seem so endless. I’m beginning to not like that word ---- Endless.

I want you to know: that Boston is a beautiful city, but the food has been awful. I have not been impressed at all, but I have lost the plumpness around my stomach area. I’ve been making my own salads and really watching what I eat. I do not trust the food here in the US. I kept checking the ingredient labels and they seem to be packed with lots of artificial stuff and additives and the long scientific names of ingredients are extensive – lots of high fructose content etc. So, I’ve been sticking to what I know and trust – water, olive oil, ginger tea and Quaker Oats. I guess as a result of this, I'll be able to have a toned stomach by October.

I’ve planned: to discover the United Kingdom one weekend a month. Being over here has been me cherish and appreciate my life in the UK. Britain is a beautiful place and so much I would like to discover such as The New Forest area in Southampton, The Scottish Highlands, the Lake District and Exeter. Also, I want to revisit the quaint places that I love like Bristol, Bath, Newquay and Penzance. I’ll be spending next weekend in Devon. My friend is getting married there on Saturday. Gokhan and I plan to drive down there on Friday and drive back to London on Sunday. I’m really looking forward also to going to the beach. I plan to have fun and take loads of pictures.

I want to say to someone special: I love you and miss you xxx

One Must...

2010-07-22T00:17:00.004+01:00

To Keep things simple
One must lie
The Truth is too HOT to handle
The Ones closest
Only finds comfort in pretence
Smile always
Engage in small talk
The Truth is Ugly
Bring on the cover-up
To Keep things beautiful
Let me tell you a story
Based in, for your pleasure
Soaked through, for your deluded mind
Pressed down, for your soft pure heart
In
Lies

By Als Simmons 21st July 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, ""

How to: survive your first week at work

2010-07-06T17:36:00.004+01:00

Art work by Andree-Ann Simmons

1) Be yourself.... even if you’re a little odd kind of person who can’t get the jokes or can’t talk to strangers. There’s really know point trying to pretend to be someone else. They will find you out eventually. There’s hardly any point trying to transform into a cool, city-type.

2) Get a good night sleep! You don’t want to be falling asleep during the welcome meetings and trainings that will take up most of your first month.

3) Don’t try and do too much in one day. Set a good pace right from day 1.

4) Its ok to ask questions and it is also ok to say that you don’t know or understand. Well, unless you lied about certain skills on your resume/cv or during the interview process. If you lied, Google and text books will be your friend. Start cramming!

5) Drink lots of water/ fluid, helps you stay awake. Thankfully, most if not all offices have cold water and tea supplies. If they don’t, they might be breaking the law.

6) Observe – the dress code, the conversations, the time they go for lunch – The Habits! Let it be imprinted on your brain.

7) Be Punctual

8) Take part in the office conversations from time to time or else you’ll become one of the furniture.

9) Personalise your desk – bit by bit. It is your “home” away from home.

10) Don’t give out your work number to your friends. Keep your socializing and drama outside of the office.

11) Set up your outlook so that personal emails go automatically to a separate folder, other than your inbox.

12) Try and explore and familiarize yourself with the area. Learn where are the cheap places to buy your lunches are. You’ll probably need that since most likely, you’ll spend your first salary before mid month.

13) Dress comfortably – you might have to do a lot of walking that week

14) Relax – they don’t expect you to know everything

15) Develop the habit of keeping a log-book (it’s not only for engineers and within labs) – date and keep your notes

16) You will go out for a welcome lunch – relax, be engaging and enjoy your food

17) Drink plenty of fluid, helps you stay awake.

18) Keep reading; learn as much as you can now as you won’t have time to learn later when the real work comes in.

19) Don’t abuse the internet just yet. Bad habits are a bad idea.

20) Its a new start so treat it like that and full steam ahead!

A piece of me... In June, 2010

2010-06-27T13:10:00.002+01:00

I like: dressing up and going to formal events. I went to a wedding yesterday, my first in two years. My bf and I left nearly everything for at the last minute. In the morning, we rushed to Selfridges to get a shirt for him, accessories and work clothes for me. Yes, I got a job a week and some ago and like magic,I’m starting my new job tomorrow. I like/love shopping and the sales were on. I couldn’t find anything that I like in the sales though. That brings me on to what I don’t like.

I don’t like: the sales at all. I could never find anything in my size that I like. I saw some lovely work skirts, but they were all in twelves, fourteens and sixteens. Where are the size 8s and let’s not talk about shoes. I need new work shoes, but couldn’t find any size 5s in simple styles. I don’t like how I get when I’m shopping and can’t find what I want. I get antsy and agitative with my boy friend. He’s the perfect person to go shopping with though. I couldn’t choose between a black and a brown leather satchels and he told me to get both. In my wardrobe, you’ll find the same styles in different clothes – a purple and a red coat, brown and black shoes etc. That’s him! If you can’t choose, get both!

I want you to know: that this blog will be going through many changes. I started this blog as a way to keep sane while I waited for my passport way back in Nov 08. Feb 10 came and I got my passport. Everything started going quicker – interning 9-5 5days a week at the Charity, applying for jobs, going to Norway, going to interviews, rejection, more applications and interviews. Then finally, I got a job, 9-5:30 5days a week, 25 days holiday a year. I need now to have a plan in regards to this blog. I need a find my blog-niche. Should I blog on how it is to get back into the work-environment, my struggles and triumphs if any? All I can tell you is that interesting times are ahead.

I’ve planned: to really put a lot of effort and focus on my career and SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!! We would like to purchase a flat or house in a yrs time – Get on the property ladder and become more like adults. The plan is to live at our separate home for the next yr or 2 and pay off all our debts and save. We have a mock up of a budget and Lord, I hope we stick to it. I plan to limit my shopping once I have suitable amount of work clothes and I’m nearly there. I’ve count over 8 black and grey-ish trousers, 3 skirts, 3 jackets, one beige heel, one brown heel, one brown flat, one brown wedge, one black wedge, one black flat, 8 dresses and an assortment of tops. Yes,I’m still making lists.

I want to say to someone special: what I learnt from a Jewish lady that a workshop called “Enhancing Effectiveness & Productivity”.

“AIM high and you will get HIGH: AIM low and you will stay LOW”.

It’s a choice.

The Signs of Life

2010-06-24T22:37:00.025+01:00

169/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

The Signs of Life
Experiences
Hardships
Joy
Heart Aches and Heart Breaks
Love
Are all written on my
Face

The Roadmaps of Life
Diversions
Round abouts
Ups and Downs
Crisscrossed
Indented Sketchy Lines
Are all etched into my
Skin

The Mirror’s Reflection
No longer hidden
On distorted glass
The Years
Longing in Faith
The Waiting
Are all ripped from my
Eyes

I see Me
Finally
Clearly
Progressing and Striving
Grown-Up
Having endured
The Trials of Life
Work
Play
Dreams of the Dreamer
Being fulfilled
At last
The fruits of Labour
Are all guided towards my
Palms

24th June 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "The Signs of Life"

Employed At last!!

2010-06-20T15:03:00.004+01:00

168/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything.

Life has come full circle. It has been renewed and I’m happy. In February, a miracle seemed to have taken place. I received my passport after waiting 18 months in “limbo”. It came so unexpectedly that I didn’t even know how to react. How do you react when such a miracle happen in your life. I should have practice by now, but on Thursday, I was unprepared. I had a second interview for a job at an American company with second base in London. I was nervous and confident, but unprepared for the news. Two hours and some minutes after the interview, I received an email that they were impress yet again and would like to make me an offer. Two hours before that, my boy friend called me and said that he was offered a job at one of the top engineering companies globally. He would be back in London to live after nearly 2.5 years working and living outside London.

That was 2 miracles happening to us back to back. All that we were dreaming for were realised on the same day. What began as an ordinary sunny yet chilly day became extraordinary.

Finally, I’m employed once more. July would have been 2 years since I had to stop working. I don’t even know how to react.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and prayers.

I started this blog frustrated and depress. I had no clue when things would get back on track. Many times my posts were slightly demented and then overly-excited and optimistic. Some days, I must have given off the impression that I’m bi-polar. I kept busy though volunteering and tutoring. Hoping that when the time comes that I can apply for work, I will be able to show that I have gained experience, in spite of not being able to work and earn legally. Sometimes, I got depress because I am ambitious and I want to have my own things and to be independent.

I hope that my experiences will inspire many of you to keep focus even though all that you have is falling apart around you. Never give up and keep believing in you.
At times, it will seem as if everyone else is achieving and going up, except you. Don’t let that dishearten you. We all have our own trials to bear. Today, it may be you, but once you stay focus and have faith, tomorrow will come and your dreams can still come through. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? All we can do is make the best of what we have.

That’s what I have learnt these past 2 years.

A Connection

2010-06-15T19:39:00.004+01:00

160/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything.

Searching for a connection
Outside the mind
Perfect communication
No longer reside
Wide awake
Afraid to sleep

Haunted
Haunted by these too vivid distorted dreams
Reaching forward to Capture a lifeline
Any Lifeline

Clutching at straws
Waiting restlessly
In primodial Rapture
Finding my faith
From Scripture
To Scripture

Craving a connection
Outside
Not Within the mind

By Als Simmons, 27th May, 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "A Connection"

The Career Search - Recruiters & Interviews

2010-06-04T23:24:00.006+01:00

The problem when looking for work is that you’re met at times with shortsighted employers and recruiters who don’t have a clue of matching your skills and possibilities with the concise job role that is in front of them. They seem to want to match their job role down to the T with resume.

For instance, I got a call awhile ago from a recruiter for a credit risk position that I applied to via The Guardian. He asked me if I’ve ever used SASS and down Regression Analysis. I replied no for both and that was as far as we got. Clearly, I can LEARN how to use SASS since I have used other tools similarly in my previous jobs. I can easily learn how to do Regression Analysis if shown or given the chance.

I got a first class honours in Physics and a Masters in Actuarial Science for crying out loud. My degrees should highlight to the knowledgable observer that I can understand complicated issues very easily and I can breakdown and solve mind-numbing problems effectively. I can apply what I have learnt and I have a very good mathematical memory. Plus the fact that I have spent a year and half (while I waited for the Home Office to complete my residency application and say YES YOU CAN WORK LEGALLY) volunteering as a Reseacher for a well-known international youth programme and as a youth advisor for a Youth Engagement programme in my borough, should highlight that not only do I have a conscience, but I’m a dedicated and hard worker. I could have sat at home, but I went out and tried to make a difference and also gained more practicular experience in communicating to some of the most difficult listeners (Royalty, wealthy people, Heads of Governmental departments, diplomats and young people).

But sadly, some recruiters and employers have become short-sighted. They should be able to scout talents, but maybe the credit crunch situation has gotten to them. The recruiter then told me that he’ll pass on my resume to his colleague who deals with Actuarial recruitment. Thank You Fine Sir!

You will think that in this day and age, Recruiters will know by now how to match a good candidate not by only just checking and crossing off, but seeing the creativity in their past experiences, vastness in knowledge and different job roles/skills should indicate the ease and difficulity in picking up new knowledge and skills. Headhunters should at least have the skill of reading between the lines of a two page cv. It’s not easy summarising your whole 4 yr working life on paper. Young professionals, especially, have developed varying ranges of work after completing university. I remember one such actuarial interview back in 2008. I was asked by this actuary with her noses up looking down on me, how dare I didn’t have an actuarial job after completing my masters. She found it so difficult to understand that why I completed my disseration, I started working within Structured Finance because I needed to pay the bills, but started looking for Actuarial work as soon as the University granted me my dissertation results and my masters. Until then, I needed a job and was offered an analytical one since I was known to the Agency after working with them as an intern all the way through university.

I’m happy that for her she was able to get a job in her field straight away, but for some of us, it was not that easy and we had to take the highly paid job that had the “disadvantage” of being outside our field.

But with the Credit Crunch, they have regressed. BCC (Before the Credit Crunch), people were more open to giving chances and they reaped the benefits from having more diverse and creative staff. Sadly, these same employed professionals that were given the chance have forgotten that a few years ago they didn’t know anything. For intance, a week ago I was interviewed for an Analyst role at a top rating agency by four individuals – two at a time. The first two were male – one was a keen American and the other behaved as if he had better things to do with his time. The one who behaved as if he had better things asked me in a very arrogant manner why am I working with the youth charity. Let’s just say that he wasn’t impress with my explanation of me waiting a year and half to be eligible to work and earn, so used the time to volunteer. I believe that he would have been impress if I had volunteered at a finance company. Sadly, I didn’t know that finance companies accepted volunteers.

At the interview, I was asked crazy opinion-based questions like what do I think the Greek Government should do, how should the Rating Agencies change based on the meaning and perceptions of a Rating. The second two were a nice man and a bored-looking Chinese lady who actually closed her file and was ready to leave long before the interview was over. That completely threw me off. I didn’t stand a chance. I got a call back saying that they would not be progressing further because my market knowledge was less than some other candidates.

Market Knowledge – easy tibbits that you can pick up on the job. I guess I should feel some form of comfort in that feedback. My ability and solid skills were not questioned. I can do the job, but having not work in the area for over 2 years didn’t help. Maybe, I didn’t prepare well for the interview. I concentrated on relearning the tools needed for the job, the specific issues that have been occuring for the past two years and the challenges faced by some of these deals in the next 3 yrs. I forgot to read over my economics text book on inflation, interest rates, Bank of England. Though I had knowledge of the global financial and political columns and suppplements found in newspapers and magazines, I forgot to study them in depth. I guess I knew how the interview was turning out, when the nice English MD chuckled and said “Well, it’s a good thing that you’re not applying for the Greek’s president’s job!”

Hahaha! Who in their right mind would!!

If I could have answered all these questions, do you really think I would be applying for this job over a job at the European Union!

Please try and remember when you started off.... Someone gave you a chance. You didn’t come in with all knowledge, you learnt on the job.

Stop being so shortsighted and start seeing potentials.

AND STOP COLD CALLING ME!!!

I don’t need my resume and details on your database. Call me if you have a job for me. Not nice bringing my hopes up, then dashing it.

EasyTones - Those Adverts

2010-06-01T15:53:00.011+01:00

When it comes to advertising, I will not be dazzled. I believe that I am not naive. Nor, shall I be fooled into thinking that if I wear such and such overpriced stilettos, jeans or perfume, I’ll be so sexy that every man will fall over and on top of me or get the job of my dreams.

That's the thing about false advertising, they are only out for the unfortunates and the easily deceived.

Let’s think about the Reebok Easytones new advert with the fabulous Kelly Brook in her underwear. If we naively follow these adverts, every women in the UK, big and small, will be doing the housework in just their underwear and Easytones. Some sad young or old woman (and maybe men, because let’s not be sexist... I’ve seen men wearing female trainers and corsets) is thinking to invest £80+ in Easytones to get the perfect pins like Kelly Brook’s.

If I go on this advert along, I would never buy Easytones out of principle. Why? Well, Kelly Brook has always had perfect pins long before Reebok created the engineering and design to tone legs, thighs and bums. She’s an actress?/performer whose body has made her rich. She can afford to have a personal trainer, chef and nutritionist and plastic surgeon if need be. She doesn’t live in the real life of juggling one thing after the next, over-times, stressing to pay the bills, can’t pay the bills, pick up the children, cook, clean, Tescos ready-meals, no time to exercise or afford gym membership. Reebok EasyTones did not tone Ms Brook. Ms Brook got paid to represent and spout Reebok jargon.

If Reebok really wanted to appeal to intelligent women whose only exercise might just be rushing to the bus or train and who’s body has more excess skin than muscle hence why they need a toning trainers to help along the way, they should have adverts with real women, real body shapes and sizes and before and after videos or pictures to show that their trainers actually help tone legs, thighs and bums.

Yes, Kelly is beautiful and appealing and some woman, man, child, girl somewhere wants to look just like her. The videos/pictures of her in the EasyTones will raise pulses and drive fantasies but going on that alone, I’m not convinced. This just seems to be another gimmick to get the unfortunates to part with their hard earned cash.

But the EasyTones are better than that.

This is coming from a girl that is wearing, reviewing and taking part in the UK EasyTone Trial. Thank God for free shoes, or else I would have dismissed the EasyTones based on their adverts along time ago! Which is sad and unfortunate because they actually work.... if you wear them at least one hr a day, 5 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

Another thing... Are these ads geared towards women or men?

A piece of me ... In May, 2010

2010-05-26T00:01:00.007+01:00

Project 365 Pictures , originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

I like: that it is summer in London. The sun is out and Londoners are smiling more. It’s amazing how the change in weather can bring about such a drastic change in perspective and mood. I like that I have been able this month to buy some nice stuff like clothes and books. After filling up two huge Ikea Billy bookcases in just over a year, I think I need to buy another bookcase or move out. I like how with every summer, a great number of chick lit books are published. It’s nice to give the deep books a miss and recline in the sun with a easy, breezy chick lit – to escape into the romance where every girl finds love in the end, in spite of past heartache. I love a snoppy love story!

I don’t like: that I’m still in career limbo. I had three interviews last week and I only just found out that I didn’t get the Charity job. I know that it is for the best and it’ll be weird to go back into the office after volunteering with them for since April 2009. But, I need to keep my positive perspective, in spite of the disappointment. I need to keep my head up and believe that the right job is out there and close at hand. You know when the sun comes out, the wrong people believe that they can strip off and walk around near naked. I don’t like seeing rolls and rolls of loose skin mixed with sweat and bumps in my face. So please Plus size Londoners, please dress appropriately – or I will take out my mobile phone and film you.

I want you to know: that I’m happy. This month, I’ve been content more than most and I’ve only thrown a few tantrums. I’ve relaxed to a certain extent and let life be. I want you to know that things will get better. I want you to also know that I can’t wait for the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday. I will be supporting Turkey and Finland. Also, I start back my Turkish class on Thursday. I have until that time to brush up on my Turkish. AHHHHHHH!! I was the student who always get my Turkish Cypriot boy friend to do her home work. My tutor always found out since she’s teaching my proper Turkish and for some reason, I was always coming out with the Cypriot dialect.

I’ve planned: to go back to writing more. I just bought a new journal and can’t wait to fill the pages with my nonsense.

I want to say to someone special:

Doğum günün kutlu olsun, Canım!!

My boy friend’s 29th birthday is today. I miss him so much. He works in Lincoln and I’m in London. He’s trying to get back to London later today. But only if he gets to finish all the work he has been assigned to do. I’ve spent every bday with him so far from since he turned 26. I'm taking him shopping on Thursday.

EasyTones - Stop Gap

2010-05-13T13:59:00.005+01:00

I'm taking part in Reebok's EasyTone trials here in the UK. My review can be found here.

I'm not normally a fan of trainers/sneakers. I'm a barefoot kinda girl when it comes to running. In Primary school back in the Caribbean, I ran a couple 10Ks, 5Ks and cross-country relays. All barefooted and even once came third in my age group. These days, I prefer to daydream about running, instead of actually physically running. Hence why I have developed a nice belly pouch.

Taking part in this trial, I've actually been doing more walking. On Tuesday, I walked over three miles with my camera. Last night, I dreamt that I was running away from my life. But I couldn't run to far because I was wearing the EasyTones. The thing is with these shoes is that your legs do get a serious workout just by walking. You can look up the science here. It's actually not a gimmick. 10 minutes of walking in these feels like an hr of walking in normal walking/running shoes and incline walking is a killer.

Today, I take two moral outlook on my dream - One, I can continue running from my life and at least get a walkout while I'm at it with these Easytones or I can stop running and face my fears head on.

In the meantime why I figure out what I should do, I might as well use this EasyTone motivation into getting fit and toned, until I can afford some super-fast figure-fixers that are on the market like the "16-Hour workout". The 16-hour workout is 45 mins of Slimfirm that's equivalent to 16 hours at the gym or 350 sit-ups. All this done while lying down.

Pads are placed all over your body and varying electric currents are passed through them to help you burn fat, tone muscles and detox.

Not bad actually!

So, until I can afford this 350 sit-ups while lying down, I'll be walking in style wearing my EasyTones.

My Tilted Chandelier

2010-05-13T00:56:00.002+01:00

132/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

My life feels like an old rustic chandelier...
Hanging tilted in space halfway between destiny and doom...
Attached to a thread…
My life-line about to disconnect...
At least the dust and grime upon me has distorted the view of my demise...
In an instant,
Like magic…
Before I could even think….
I’m falling downwards into the pit!

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "My Tilted Chandelier"

UK Election Results

2010-05-06T23:31:00.004+01:00

126/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything.

I took a lot of pictures today. Today was very exciting - being the day of Britain's election and I voted. First time, I actually marked my X. I got to the polling station around 7:30 this morning. It was pretty daunting. I was the only person there voting. I really thought that they'll ink my finger as an indication of me voting like they do in many countries. I had the idea of taking a picture of my inked finger to proudly display that I exercised my constitutional right.

But No such thing as an INKED FINGER in British Politics. The Brits are too "civilised" and conservative to discolour their finger.

I chose this picture because it truly was align to my mood. I was feeling hopeful!

The picture is also very symbolic to the predicted poll results - Lots of BLUE (The Conservative), a little RED (Labour) and a little YELLOW (Lib Dem).

Let's see how tomorrow flows.

EasyTones - my motivation to get out & get fit

2010-05-04T23:16:00.003+01:00

If you get to know me, you’ll realise that in spite of my appearance, I’m one very lazy chick when it comes to physical fitness. The long winter in layers have hidden a multitude of folds and sins. Now that the sun is coming out and the heat is coming to London in full force, I’m panicking. I’m usually the procrastinator. I make list upon list of fitness plans, ideas, clubs close to work and near home, schedules and work-out plans to no avail. I much prefer to recline on the sofa or on my head with a good book.

When I was asked to take part in the EasyTone trials, I felt as if the universe or my stomach was trying to tell me something. This was my sign. Especially since, I was advised by my physiotherapist after a mini car accident to get back into running and exercising. I said yes to the trail almost instantly without even looking at the shoes. What more of a motivation do I need? Taking part in a trail with many female bloggers and free shoes and gear!! I felt like Christmas has come early!

The EasyTones arrived with no fanfare and strangely no bells from heaven in unmarked boxes and almost instantly I started my trails. The first outing was to the nearest IKEA. My feet felt cushioned and it was as if I was walking a few feet off the ground as if in platforms. It took me about 30 minutes to get used to walking in them. I felt muscles aching in my calves that I never knew existed. After the 45 minutes trip to IKEA, my legs felt as if they were walking for hours.

Two Fridays ago, I was late for my physiotherapy appointment in Buckhurst Hill, Essex. I had to power walk up the hill in 5 minutes. At the top, I was out of breath, my heart was racing, and my legs were aching and seemed to be going into shock. I got there in time, but lord! I looked at those EasyTones will slightly more venom. That was a work out and a half.

My legs muscles were aching, but my feet felt as if it was wrapped in heaven. From since then, I have been wearing my EasyTones back and forth between work and home every day for the past 3 weeks. Have I benefited? Well, honestly my legs and thighs are feeling more toned, but I’m disappointed that the stomach fat and layers haven’t shifted. But then again, Reebok never said that the stomach area will be toned. So, I guess they have held their end of the bargain so far.

I’ve also worn my EasyTones out running in Wembley with the guys. Though I wasn’t able to keep up and did more walking than running, I still got a good workout. In regards to a running shoe, I’m not a fan of the EasyTones. Running for me is not really about toning, but for getting a proper cardiovascular workout. With the EasyTones, I couldn’t run for long because my legs got too tired too quickly. So though, I love the EasyTones as an everyday walking shoe, I much prefer wearing lighter running shoes. I guess this is from my Caribbean background of running barefoot. I hate jogging and prefer sprinting, so my feet need to feel as if no shoes are on it.

In regards to the EasyTones as a fashion statement, they actually look good with jeans. I’ve actually worn them around Oxford St in London when I go to do my shopping. Shopping has already been proven to be a very good form of exercise (actually termed mall-ercise) by experts and the University of Calgary in Canada. So mall-ercise with EasyTones is definitely rewarding and a good fashion look.

In short EasyTones are not running shoes; they are too heavy and slightly cumbersome for any run longer than a quick dash for the bus. However as walking shoes they tick all the boxes, they are a snug fit, comfortable on the soles and provide just enough instability, through the bubbles on the sole to force your muscles to work. Hence for those who love walking and hate the gym it’s just what the doctor ordered.

Please join our community - Reetalk-Toning

Date Night

2010-04-27T00:09:00.003+01:00

The beauty in the branches Originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

After a year of letting my frustration in not having my passport and being unable to work drive a wedge into my relationship with Gokhan, we finally had a relaxing night to ourselves - Our first date night in over a year.

Crazy!

We randomly decided at 9 to get ready and go into town for dessert. The dessert place we never reached, but we ended up at a lovely Moroccan restaurant that we normally passed, while walking behind Selfridges. I always looked in at Ayoush and admire the Aladdin-esque vibe and comfort that radiates from the restaurant. It felt like our first date way back yonder in Feb, 2007. Our first date was at another Moroccan restaurant called Pasha.

That night was nearly magical and instead of one, we had three belly dancers.

Enjoy the video!

belly dancing at Ayoush 2 Originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

For a relationship to last....

2010-04-25T15:59:00.004+01:00

"Like a Tree - Branches Extend" by Theories of Anything

For a relationship to last
Day to Day
Year to Year
There must be patience
RESPECT
Without Love
It will Fail

Without Understanding
It will whither
away like
GRASS

But

For a relationship to remain fresh
Passionate and
Exciting
There must be date nights
And
specially imprompt
outtings...

Without intimacy
It will dry
up Like
a Prune

For a relationship to have passion
There must be
An Attraction

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "For a relationship..."

Thank God for the camera...

2010-04-23T00:12:00.004+01:00

112/365 uploaded unto Theories of Anything

When all words fail,
You can always take a picture

Breathe
&

Inhale the Beauty
In the Silence

A slice of Time
Frozen

In Reach
At your Finger Tips

Only for
YOU

Blogger’s Block

2010-04-20T22:19:00.004+01:00

Blogger’s Block normally takes hold when reality or the non-cyber world become consuming. Is that a good thing? I’ve become a juggler of many things and as a consequence of this, I’ve been failing as being a blogger. I can’t understand how some bloggers can work fulltime and yet have time to post on a daily basis. What’s the secret? I really need to know.

It’s not that I need to be organised. I believe that I am very organised. But, I’m just too tired. My days have dragged by at a snail’s pace daily. Yet, in hindsight it seems to be flying past faster than the speed of light. My body’s motto lately has been “Late to bed: early to rise”. My day is filled with so many thoughts/ideas/work that I can’t seem to think of something interesting to write on my blog.

My thoughts have been bouncing between how I can find build a career to when will my life become more adult. Job hunting is definitely a full time career, especially now that the job market can be depressing at times. For every application, there are over 40 candidates. The numbers and the statistics are both mind-numbing and explosive.

How can I make my application stand out from all the others?

Blogger’s Block feels like my neck is encircled with stone. Constipating!!

I can not find the words that truly express my many moods. So, please allow me to beautify your stay with some pictures taken from my day.

A piece of me… In April, 2010

2010-04-05T15:40:00.011+01:00

Bergen, Norway , originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

I like: that my mum and sister turned 50 and 13 respectively this week. We had loads of cakes and drinks. They both really love my gifts. It’s always a blessing to reach another year in good health and strength. Plus, the whole family was together again. I also like how my Project365 pictures are coming along well. I’ve development a love for the sky and trees. I'm up to 94 pictures!

I don’t like: feeling as if I’m in limbo when it comes to my career. I applied for the research job at the Award for weeks ago, but haven’t heard anything from anyone. Limbo! Also, I’m not enjoying this feeling of mental and physical fatigue. I need to make an appointment to my GP ASAP.

I want you to know: small truths about my life even more from now on. I value the honesty that many bloggers put into their writing. Sometimes, it’s really hard to write deep knowing that family and friends sometimes read what’s written. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend that all is well, instead of facing the truth and being exposed to all. Exposure most times is not pretty.

I’ve planned: to see the world this year. I just got back from Bergen, Norway. Bergen is such a beautiful place. It reminded me of the Caribbean, in spite of the cold and snow. Bergen is surrounded by mountains, lakes and the sea. I felt close to heaven. I plan to live there one day.

I want to say to someone special: Keep holding unto your dreams. Life is beautiful and simple. You know exactly where you want to be and what you want to do. Don’t let fear stop you. It’s ok to step outside the box.

I got the idea for this game from Andhari. I always look to her blog for ideas and motivation on life and blogging.

Sunday Love List No. 24

2010-03-21T18:48:00.005Z

I was here , originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

It’s been a long time since I have blogged!! This is quite a different Love List. Well, it is the first time that I’m blogging outside the UK! I’m really so excited! I left my anxieties and frustrations back in the UK. Things happened very quickly this week. I went from wondering when if I’ll ever get to leave the UK to if I’ll ever get an affordable ticket to if I’ll ever get my visa to wow, I’m finally here. I can’t describe how I’m feeling right now. Am I dreaming?

I am grateful! I’m reclining on the sofa and looking outside and the scenary is foreign. I’m with one of my very best friend and her family and I feel at home. It is beautiful outside! Snow and ice are still on the ground in certain areas. Seven mountains surround me… Actually, I’m surrounded by the seven mountains and the sea. Can you guess where I am? I actually cannot understand the language, but it’s nice to observe. I went hiking today. The pathways were packed with ice and snow up to over 5 inches in some areas.

It is beautiful and I can live here. The only thing that is missing is my bf. I’m back to London next week Sunday. It took only an hr and forty-five minutes to get here via plane and surprisingly not everyone here are blondes. Can you guess where I am? I’m between seven mountains and the sea. If I go any further north, I might get to see the northern lights.

I’m wrapped up in wool and inhaling fresh, sweet air.

Have a great week everyone!!

Ha det!

Interview Paranoia

2010-03-13T20:42:00.003Z

69/365 , originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

It feels like ages since I have blogged. I’m beginning to wonder if I’d be able to keep blogging when I do get a job. The past three weeks, I’ve been volunteering 9to5 nearly 5 days a week, plus figuring out my career path, looking for jobs, applying for these jobs in my head, catching up with friends in London and working on the Peace March's feedback for YEP's website. I need to better manage my time or hire a personal assistant.

*Job-hunting Update*

I’ve fully decided to apply for the job at The Award. I did a first draft of the cover letter after being asked to write the reasons why I’m suitable for the job. I’m so nervous! This is really serious. My morbid thoughts have resided with reasons why I won’t get the job. It feels so weird. After volunteering as their research intern for nearly a year and then applying for the newly developed Research job. If I don’t get the job, then what does that mean? Epic Failure!!

Most days, I’m really confident about the up and coming interview. But then after going through and answering thousands of potential interview questions in my head (not by choice), I come up with a blank mind. I’m not a fan of interviews, much less being interviewed by people I have worked with for such a long time. I much prefer being interviewed by strangers. Then I can put on a persona of coolness. I envisioned the interview being like the mock one my boy friend gave me a couple years ago, while I was preparing for a real one and I ended up stuttering or giggling over my answers.

God please grant me serenity!

Sports Trial: Reebok EasyTone Trainers

2010-03-05T12:12:00.002Z

I would like to share a prize with one of you, but you must be in the UK – a pair of Reebok’s EasyTone trainers.

According to Reebok, EasyTone generate up to 28% more bum muscle activation compared to an ordinary training shoe, whilst generating up to 11% more muscle activation in the calf muscles and hamstrings.

At the end of the month, I’ll be taking part in the Reebok EasyTone tone trial experience at Reebok in Canary Wharf. The aim is to put these claims to the test myself for the next two months. This opportunity actually has come about in the nick of time. After the accident last month and weekly visiting the physiotherapist, I need to start running again. I’m not as fit and toned as I used to be. Even the boy friend has been commenting on my bubbly butt. So instead of daydreaming about running and exercising, I have now the perfect incentives – Reebok EasyTone trial experience and holiday in the Caribbean in May!

If you’d like a free pair of the Reebok EasyTone trainers to test these claims for yourself, please comment below.

Let me know what has been your freakiest dream.

Rock That ‘Fro with Attitude

2010-03-03T11:04:00.003Z

Rock that ‘Fro, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

This week so far has been all about finding my feet. I feel more alive and comfortable in my own skin. So much so that on Monday, I spoke opening about the struggles of being challenged in the bust/frontal area. I laughed so much that at the end, I thought, why have I been so conscious/ashamed of my small humble size and maybe it is not as bad as it seems. Today, I embraced myself with a little more attitude. Life is good and I have nothing to complain about. Well, maybe it’ll be nice to have a little more money.

I need to buy a new laptop. My mini laptop is not ideal for development. I need one with a bigger screen. So, I’m trying to weigh up in my head two conflicting “needs” - vibrant dress that I had planned to buy as a treat to myself from myself or a laptop. Can I do both and still have money left over for endless holidays and an essential shopping “spree”? It’s amazing how poor people always spend their money before it’s in their hands. I have four more weeks to go before I receive this long anticipated cash. The longer it takes to arrive, the longer my “To Buy Essential” list gets. I’m praying for a miracle.

I’m not only finding comfort in my own skin, but I think I have figured out what career I’d like to do for the next 5 years or so. It’s something that I always wanted to do when I was younger, but forgot through high school and college. I mentioned that I’m good at finding things online and I have been volunteering as a Researcher at The Award since last April and also managing and updating a youth website. I love reading and I’m trying to get better at writing. So from doing and realising all this, I finally got a light bulb moment this weekend. Why not a Researcher!!

Crazy I know – it has been eyeballing me for ages and I only just realised that I can actually have a career doing what I love – volunteering, working and interacting with young people, doing community activities, researching, reading, blogging, travelling etc. I also received my youth worker certificate end of last year. I can gather all that I have learnt this year and a half in hippy-land and my physics and actuarial qualifications and my love for photography and reading into a nice toasty career.

So, I started my plan of action as I love to make plans and long to-do lists. A research job at the Award is coming up in the next few weeks and so I will apply for it. If I get it, it’ll be great – Amazing. If not, I’m still on target. I found a really cool research course at a top university in London. I would love to apply for it and so I’m doing further research on scholarships etc.

All this is coming from a girl who last year said that no more to university and exams!

But, this is different. I’ve found clarity. I have regained my ambition and my sense of “I can be an adult and an accomplished one after-all”. I can fulfil my role in society - Exciting times ahead in deed.

Moral of the story
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
~Robert Brault

Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold.
~Maurice Setter

Sunday Love List No. 23

2010-02-28T23:43:00.004Z

This week was one of many emotional highs and lows.

1)Gokhan took a week off and spent it with me in London. It felt like old times when we both used to live in London. We took it for granted though. We didn’t go out. We were two lazy bums reclining on his sofa, enjoying his parents’ lovely dishes. My jeans started to fit me tighter than normal. I had so many magnum almond ice cream bars, cream cheese and simit (Turkish sesame seed topped bread – like a pretzel) and lamb chops.

2)I volunteered two days at The International Award Association and learnt all that I can on the world of Cricket. Thankfully, my passport came just the same time that the research role has come up in the office. I’m waiting for the positioned to be approved and then I hope to apply for it. I’ve been brainstorming like crazy and running through interview scenarios in my head.

3)One major up/low of this week was that Gokhan and I decided that I should stay and look for work in London. It’s really sad and I’m disappointed in myself because I really tried to put as much into The Move to Lincoln. It felt as if we had accomplished something finally as a couple. I daydreamed (what’s new) about what our home will be like when we finally finished all the decorating. I envisioned my paintings on our walls and the cosiness of our second bedroom turned office. My fantasy was based on me working from home and doing some sort of freelanced work. But reality smashed into us like a brick and so I’m back to London for work. My passport is here and I have no excuse to be a hippy. Our relationship is now, back to being the dreaded back and forth oscillating long distance/weekend relationship.

4)My friend is over here from Australia. I see many late night conversations once she is no longer jet-lagged.

5)The twins’ birthday was on Saturday! They’re two of my closest friends in London. They’re actually some of my first friends I made when I moved to the UK.

6)A low this week was that I wouldn’t be able to go to St Vincent next week for my aunt’s wedding due to financial constraints. I hope that she understands. I would love to be there and planned and daydreamed of sharing the day with her and family and friends.

7)Our family decided to bring up our granny to live with us from the Caribbean. Well, if she wants to live with us. She’s ninety years old and lives on her own. She’s been very ill recently and my mum has been so worried. I hope that she agrees. London is not the same as the Caribbean, but at least she will be around her daughter, grand and great-grand children.

8)A group of us went out Saturday night and wow, am I an oldie. Walking through Oxford street to get to the club, I saw what I never thought I’d see on a crowded London street. This girl pulled up her tight mini-dressed, pushed down her underwear, stooped down right on the crowded side-walk and peed with her legs wide open. I’m still in shock. Pity, I was on the phone talking to my friend, or else I would have taken a picture. On top of that, it was a freezing, wet night and so many young girls were in tight mini dresses, no tights nor jackets or scarves. Come on! I had one my jacket and I was trembling from the cold.

9)Today was YEP's first Peace March. It was a success! Inspite of the rain and the cold, a lot of young people came out. We have so much footage and feedback to upload unto the website. The event was also featured on ITV news. My friend texted me to say that she saw me. I checked online and made out my forehead. It was a great day!

Have a great week everyone and stay bless!!

Blog post I enjoy this week

I didn’t read much blogs this week. If you know of any good blogs, please send me the link in the comment section.

Vlog - Happy Birthday
1)Apricot tea – Happy Second Birthday Apricot tea

Beautiful piece
2)Chocolate Covered Daydreams – We all have Scars

Eighteen Months - Seventy Eight Weeks

2010-02-22T21:46:00.002Z

Flowery Bed of Ease , originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

I will be the gladdest thing
Under the sun!
I will touch a hundred flowers
And not pick one.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Afternoon on a Hill"

I spent this week coming down gently from last Saturday’s high. I still can’t believe that my passport has finally arrived after an eighteen month wait. I sound like a stuck record and must have said the phase “eighteen month wait” more than most this week. The reason that my high has ended so abruptly was due to the many questions that was asked and comments made by others.

So, what you going to do with your life now?
When you going to start looking for work?
You don’t need a holiday.
You’ve been on a holiday for 18 months.
You need to get a job.

This morning, I dreamt that I was in the office foyer at my old job. I was there to work. I felt unprepared, drained and tired. I got to the office that seemed so bright, futuristic and shinny. Everyone was dressed all business-like, while in contrast, I had on an ill fitted, washed out shirt and skirt. I was totally way above my head. Many dreams later, where I was running from the secret service and criminals alike all over the world, I then dreamt that I was back home in the Caribbean squashed up in a minivan. It seemed as if I was back in High School because I was in uniform and with fourteen year old students. Again, I felt totally unprepared and more so a failure. I was surrounded by students many years younger than me, yet I was at their level of achievement.

I don’t know what my next steps will be and it seems as if everyone wants to know. I’m feeling pressured to continue down the path that I left off eighteen months ago. If I do continue down that job path, I’ll be surrounded by new actuarial student intakes that are younger, hungrier and more passionate about work, financial success and “ambition”. In contrast, I’m drained and old. I see the career world in a more pessimistic light.

If I don’t continue down that career path, I’ll be asked “why not” over and over by people who believe that they have my best interest at heart. These same people can’t understand why I need a holiday because they see the past 18 months as a holiday. They can’t understand that volunteering takes the same energy and maybe even more than a normal job. At least with a normal job, you have the financial cushion and satisfaction at the end of each month. Try one week of worrying how you can pay your transportation to go to volunteer/work. When you get that feeling, multiply that by 78. I’ve been allowing these comments and questions to play with my mind. Last night, I went to sleep with a tension headache and woke up drained.

Well there are many things that I’d love to do right now instead of rushing or being pressured back into a career. I’d lobe to travel. My heart yearns for it. Some place away from all this, to breathe. I want to be free and to be around like minded people. I don’t want to have to talk to people who question me and who only see career fulfilment as the norm.

If I’m not careful, I might just buy a one way ticket to some where foreign.

Up yours civilisation and pressure!

Sunday Love List No. 22

2010-02-21T17:03:00.008Z

SteepHill, Lincoln , originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

1)I’m still truly and deeply grateful that I received my residency. I feel truly bless. I’m feeling pressured to go back to work as soon as possible, but I’m trying to ignore it. I need a long holiday and rest before I can actually think to make the right decision.

2)Hoping to apply for my visa to go to Norway this week. My friend sent me an invitation letter. I’m really excited about this huge possibility.

3)My aunt received her passport yesterday from the Home Office. She applied at the beginning of August, 2008. She’s so happy that she wants to buy a house and get married before April. I’m trying to get her to slow down, but it’s either her way or the highway. She’s annoyed that I haven’t bought my bridesmaid dress as yet, but how could I have bought one when I don’t have any money. I’m trying to get her to understand that I haven’t work since July, 2008 and any money I received; I can’t just put aside to by a dress. She doesn’t believe that she’s being unreasonable. Yes, I knew about the wedding for over a year, but she only got her passport yesterday and only set the date (in four weeks) yesterday. I’m trying to see the positive side. Thank God, she got her passport after waiting for so long.

4)I explored Lincoln a bit this week and got to take out some beautiful pictures of the streets, buildings and the amazing Ellis’ Mill.

5)I bought 5 novels – a mixture of crime, historical and chick lit. I’ve been finding it really hard to get into books. I guess the time of booking reading is coming to an end. I need to plan a better reading schedule now that I have more freedom of movement. Reading will now be shuffled back to the time just before I go to sleep and commuting.

Up and coming this week

1)This week back into the office to volunteer.

2)Shopping – I need to get summer clothes and jewellery

Blog Post I love this week

1) I wanted to do the same
Sometimes some people need to be punched on the face by Insomniac Lolita

2)Good to know
8 Cheap Ways to go Green by Savvy Brown

3)My feelings exactly
I wonder sometimes by Being a Moody Belle

The Move - Ellis' Mill

2010-02-19T20:01:00.003Z

Ellis’ Mill, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

Let “The Move” continue…

Entering Lincoln a couple weeks ago, I saw above me an amazing windmill. From then on, I kept asking my neighbour to take me there to explore. After work, my boy friend took me there and we got there just as the guy was closing the gate. Thankfully, he allowed me to walk into the grounds and take some quick pictures. I was invited to come back on a Sunday for a tour of the insides.

This wonderful mill is called Ellis’ Mill and is located on Mill Road behind the museum. Mill Road got its name because nine windmills that formerly faced west over the steep slopes of the Lincoln Edge. Ellis’ Mill is now the sole survivor of these.

Ellis’ Mill dates back to 1798 and is a very good example of a small tower mill. The first recorded owner of the mill was Anthony Meres, a wealthy landowner. After a succession of owners, John Ellis bought the mill for £250 in December, 1894. After he died in 1920, his wife and son successively retained ownership until 1973.

The mill was worked until the 1940s when the machinery was removed and it fell into dereliction. Tragedy struck further when a fire finally destroyed all of the remaining woodwork in 1974. The Lincoln Civic Trust acquired the Mill in March 1977 and set about its restoration. First, the tower was cleaned and the floors and cap re-constructed. It was then necessary for replacement parts to be found that fitted the dimensions of the existing tower. The Mill was finally completed in 1980 and on Sunday 26th April 1981, Ellis' Mill ground its first flour for forty years.

The Mill is still in full working order and provides flour. The mill is now managed by Lincolnshire County Council but would not run without the group of devoted museum volunteers who help maintain, staff and promote the site. After working for 28 years one of the sails at Ellis’ Mill is currently being replaced. Windmill Sails usually last for about 25 years so the current sails have stood the test of time well.

The volunteer said that the sail should go up in the next couple of weeks. I’m really looking forward to a tour.

To Go Back or To Continue

2010-02-18T13:00:00.004Z

Lincoln Cathedral, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

I’ve been living in a bubble of happiness these past few days. It is as if I’m not myself. I’ve been “unhappy” and in limbo for so long. So much so unlike myself, that I’ve been weary of blogging. What will I say? I might come across fake and too airy fairy. I’ve grown used to my sometimes-demented postings. But honestly, I feel great! I don’t know how to translate this happiness into writing.

Maybe, I can in pictures and actions. On Tuesday, I went exploring around Lincoln City Centre and took loads of pictures. I uploaded some unto my Flickr account.

Most of you might know after reading a few posts back that I’ve been living off and on in London and Lincoln. London is my home town and there is no place like home. I think London has spoilt me. I don’t know how to live in any other city or town in the UK. London has everything a person might want. Well, if a city life is what you're looking for. When I'm away from London, I miss the vibe, the restaurants and the fact that there is some form of entertainment at every corner. I miss the close reach of my family and friends. Even when I go to the Caribbean, I miss London in a couple of days. Neither sun, sand or sea can dull the longing ache I have for London.

Lincoln was forced upon me. My boy friend moved there three months ago for a new job. He is enjoying his work as a systems engineer doing geeky/sexy brain-numbing stuff. I find that all hot, except the move. But I have to be there for him, as he is always for me. It's very difficult finding engineering jobs in London. So, I’ve been spending my time half/half in both places and dealing with another form of limbo. When I’m in London, I want to be in Lincoln to be with him. But when I’m in Lincoln, I want to get the hell out of this “ghost” town and rush back home to civilisation. I had a fear of going outside and so spent most of my time in Lincoln "hiding" indoors.
It didn't help when I heard about the generalisation of people living here.

But that was before the weekend – before I received my passport and before I became a legal resident of the United Kingdom.

*British Anthem laments in the background*

Suddenly, I’m seeing Lincoln in a new light. Every where I look seems shinny and different. I could live here for a while I think. Well, now that I know I can leave the country on romantic and exotic getaways, I could live any and everywhere. I have my passport and so a ticket to anywhere in the world. I have my passport and once again, I have my identity. I have my passport and now I feel human once more. I have my passport! Literally, a dream come through for me.

With so much possibilities, I’m back to wondering what I’m going to do with my life. Now that I can work again, should I go back to being an Actuarial Assistant or should I continue along this hippy path of living day to day by faith, fate and complete randomness?

To Go Back or To Continue?

A Definitive Love List

2010-02-14T13:45:00.010Z

39/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

Welcome to my weekly Sunday Love List. This is a brief round up of all that I am grateful for each week. I’m actually finding it very hard to find the words for this one. You will understand in a moment. Since I started the Love list, I endeavoured to find at least five things that I’m thankful for. Some weeks were harder than others. Some times, it was very difficult to find one thing and so I had to “blagged” my way through. Always hoping that I will come across optimistic and grateful because who really likes reading depressing things and who in their right mind wants to be around a complainer.

It has been a wild year and some since I started blogging. I started blogging as a way to connect with the wider world community and to push or pull myself out of depression and solitude. Before I started blogging, I spent many days endlessly sleeping in the day and wide awake at nights. I went from having a promising career to being unemployed and lacking an official identity. I became a hippy but not by choice. All details can be found in my January 09 post of “My Hippy Life”.

In a nutshell, my passport was stolen as I was changing jobs two years ago. After months of turmoil and back and forth with my work’s HR, I was asked to leave since I could not give them any evidence that I can work in the UK legally. After regaining a new passport, I applied for my residency August 2008 and the wait began. At first, I was excited for the many free days I can spend catching up on my reading. I thought that it wouldn’t take more than three months. I started an art course and then found out about a free youth worker course with a up and coming youth engagement panel in my borough.

Ahhh, but the New Year passed by so quickly and I was still waiting like Bob Marley. In the post came a letter from my work officially “firing” me. I was also homesick and missing the Caribbean like crazy. I became consumed with wanderlust. The credit crunch “recession” situation wasn’t helping. I found myself comforting friends when they stress about the possibility of losing their jobs and then feeling drained emotionally afterwards of having to be peaky and optimistic for them. I watched from the outside many finding success and wishing it was me as well. I surfed from blog to blog trying to connect with the lives of strangers. I found a few liked-minded individuals, realised many times over that we all have our own battles to bear, filled with jealousy one minute and inspiration the next. My emotions dipped and dived from one extreme emotion to the next. I started to loose myself in the mirror and became more obsessed at freezing the slight moments in pictures.

Many nights, I was up in tears and screaming silently in my head. When will things come right for me? I felt at times like the biblical story of Job, wondering what wrong had I done in my past life. Many times, I became desperate for some form of independence and grew tired of relying on my boy friend for emotional and material support. I lashed out and froze him out on many occasions. He at times found out how I was feeling by reading my blog because I refused to speak. How can you put words together verbally at an instance face to face, when so much turmoil is raging insides?

To declare my independence, I took on a domestic cleaning job, but only lasted one day. That one day was too much and I guess my independence wasn’t worth swollen ankles, aching back and dried bruised fingers – plus the look of disdain on the homeowners face I imagined when she told the nurse that I might steal her things. Can you believe this? I was being kind when I told her that I can come in on weekends and look after her sick, senile mother-in-law for her while she goes to the shops. For her to look down on me and to then say that I think that I am better than the job after I nicely emailed her to say that I cannot come again. Well, yes lady, I was too good for the job! My parents didn’t pay for my two degrees for me to become some bitter woman’s maid.

But then another door always opens afterwards! I applied and got a volunteer research internship at The International Awards Association at the ending of March. Even though, I missed out on a couple international conferences due to my lack of travelling documents, I had a great time. I always wanted to get into youth work and now I was volunteering for two youth organisations at the same time. Things always have a way of ironing itself out, it seems.

New Years 2010 came and as Big Ben chimed away at midnight; my eyes were filled with tears. I knew that this year was my year. After all this turmoil, I came through in one piece. I felt stronger and wiser. I have now a good idea of where I want to be. Yes Miss Whitney, I didn’t know my own strength, but I know now. I didn’t know when I’ll receive my passport. This week, I was beginning to feel impatient. I felt as if I was going back into the gloomy, wasteful times. My insomnia was coming back in full force and I started to loose days. My nights became endless forgetful moments of surfing from one site/blog to the next, refreshing facebook every two seconds but noticing no changes and staring at the dark ceiling above my bed with tired, alert eyes. I started forgetting to eat. I found a sick pleasure in noticing the bagginess of my once tight skinny jeans. At least, there is some thing that I can control. At least, some thing is changing.

Thursday came and I didn’t want to go back to London at all, but I had to go because of my first physiotherapy appointment. Two weeks ago, a car drove into the back of our car and since then, I’ve been experience back pains. I came back to London to my cold room. It’s amazing that when I’m in London, I want to be in Lincoln, but when I’m in Lincoln, I’m dying for London. There’s no place like home/London. Friday, I was wondering how I’d react or feel when I do receive my passport. Would I hear drum rolls in the heavens when the package arrives? I tried to imagine the emotions that will take over in when this life changing occurrence take place. Would I feel lightness? But I couldn’t envision of it will feel to experience lightness. It seems as if I have been carrying around this heaviness for ever. Being light and free might turn me into another person. I had to stop. Trying to stir up these sensations was beyond my brain’s capability.

At around 9am – Saturday morning, I crashed into numbness. I opened a plan while envelope and came face to face with my beloved blue passport. I don’t know how to describe these feelings as yet after 18 months in limbo waiting for my residence. Today, I laughed, cried, screamed, shouted and sat in silence. Is this a dream! My mum cried when I showed her the Indefinite Leave To Remain stamped in my passport. We double checked over and over. My mum went through all the documents and read every letter. We called all our family and friends and shared this unbelievable news. My bf drove back to London in record time, just so he can see my passport and residency stamp with his own two eyes. He couldn’t wait for me to come up to Lincoln. He said that he cried and screamed on the drive down. Finally, our lives can move forward. Finally, we can go on holiday together to the Caribbean (my home) and to Cyprus and Turkey (his home).

Yes, a huge weight has been lifted off our shoulders. Last week, we were living on minimal food because we didn’t have enough money. We slept on a blow up mattress instead of a bed. In less than two days, I received my beloved passport and he received a substantial amount of money in tax back payments. With life going like this for us, maybe we should try our luck and play the lottery. Yes, right now, I’m actually feeling free. I can see new horizons ahead.

– Thank You GOD –

This week, I am grateful for this wonderful gift. After 18 months of waiting and 15 months of blogging, I am now a permanent resident of the United Kingdom.

On Wednesday, out of a pack of cards, I randomly chose one card. I read it and was inspired. What it had to say was truly meant for me. I will leave what the card stated with and hope that you will carry this sentence through the week and the rest of your life with you.

“Open your heart, and expect good things to happen”

Sunday Love List No. 21

2010-02-14T04:10:00.004Z

Original Art by Andree-Ann Simmons (age 12)

I have a very special Love List post coming up in a few hours. I just need to do some editing. In the meantime, I will post the new addition to the Love List.

Before this, Happy Valentines people, whether you love it or hate it. If you hate it... well, Happy New Year (Chinese).

Blog Post I love this Week

(Beautiful Sunday Scribbling writing by Meadow Rain based on her Polish Family roots)
1)Meadow Rain – Message

(Tasteful and stunning nude photography by Ev`yan)
2) Apricot tea – Photography

(Thought provoking piece - worthwhile read)
3)What About our Daughters – No, I am NOT a BEYONCE fan

(Is your life the same as what is portrayed on your blog?)
4)Slum blog Millionaire – You Paint a Pretty Picture but the frame is so ugly

(Thoughts from his first visit to a South African Herb market)
5)Intellectual Vagabond – The Herb Market

My favourite love tune by Turkish singer Emre Altuğ called Aşk-ı Kıyamet.

Wanderlust

2010-02-10T16:38:00.008Z

39/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

Wanderlust

I’m feeling the travelling bug. It comes and goes in intensity, but it’s always there. This week, I’m craving to get on the plane and go somewhere anywhere with a one way ticket, my backpack and camera. No more do I want to see exotic places and unknown city lights flashing from the tv. I want to be there in the action. I’ve a deep craving to connect with different cultures and languages and to disengage from technology.

Maybe,
Then
I’ll know my strength
In the meantime, I have this ache
To wander
Bare footed and bare
Just to stay close
To the pulse
The heartbeat of the Earth

(unfinished)

Valentines Disconnection

2010-02-09T14:37:00.003Z

Valentines Day hasn’t even crossed my mind. Today though, while reading a couple blogs, I noticed that many are putting out series of writings on love. Last year, I started a Valentines series which was writings based on love, friendships and relationships all through February. Right now, I’m only looking forward to the end of this month and also hoping that things will come together soon.

I’m feeling as if I’m bursting at my seams one moment or about to implode unto myself the next. One moment, I’m overly excited and too optimistic and then just one thought or action throws me all the way to the opposite end of this emotional spectrum. It’s as if I’m slowly losing m vision and it’s becoming difficult to spot the tiny hint of rainbows on the horizon. I’m here squinting like a bat. Maybe, some thick spectacles are needed ASAP because I can’t tell where I’m going from A to B.

This week, I’m in Lincoln and again afraid to venture outside the flat. A friend told me that there are only three types of people living in Lincoln – RAF, Farmers or Drug Dealers. I didn’t believe it of course. Come on, that’s pretty grim. Just as I got back to Lincoln, I asked my neighbour because this can’t be true. Well, the long and short of it is that she agreed with my friend. There went all my daydreams of trying to make this move out of London work. I had planned to deal with the fact that I might be the only black person in the village, but finding out that public opinion that over 90% of the population are either unemployed or on drugs doesn’t really fit well with me.

When my bf told me back in September about his new job in Lincoln, I of course began trying to figure out how I can fit my life and career-potential up here. I searched online to see the types of jobs that were on offer, but even the lack of job diversity didn’t get me down. I figured that maybe Lincoln isn’t as technology advance as many other places in the UK. When our game became “Spot the Ethnic Person” when we go out was harder than spotting a yellow car, I didn’t let that bump my spirit too much. I moaned a bit and then shock it off with optimism. The weird stares at Tesco didn’t bother me too much either.

Now, I’m beginning to wonder if this is some sick cosmic joke. Is there a bet out to see how long I’ll last? Maybe my problem is that I’m trying to find Meaning in my every day life. But if there is no meaning, what’s the point? What’s the point in life? The feeling of being sucked into a Black Hole comes to mind. It is speculated that if a person falls into a black hole (a rotating one), they’ll be stretched to infinity. Could you imagine being stretched thin? That’s how I’m feeling. I’m afraid to ask what next because that next might be my breaking point.

Scenes of my childhood flashed before my eyes last night. I wanted to relive every moment from when I became aware to now. It’s crazy how the little you seems to be you, but yet someone else. It’s a crazy mind-altering disconnection. I’ve lost many weeks and months of my life to my subconscious. I could only remember tiny snippets and feelings. I mourn the lost of those occasions that I can’t connect to and remember. Last night, I wondered if those that I have forgotten have played a crucial part in my life as I am today. Last night, I went through each remembered scene looking for answers. Why do I freeze up when it comes to expressing my self or being emotional? Why do I hold on with such force to my little secrets?

Well, my little me held unto her secrets, more than me, from me. I found no answers, only an aching longing for the girl I was. Looking in the mirror throws out another disconnection. Thankful that I do not look like how I feel.

Am I looking forward to Valentines Day? No. Not, at all. I wish that time can stand still.

Guest blogger Series - The Ways We Are

2010-02-08T16:39:00.010Z

Have you ever responded to emails, texts and phone calls whilst asleep? That’s what I did most of today, thanks to my trusty blackberry. One caller even gave me a pop quiz to make sure that that I knew what date he was asking about. Thanks to some hardcore brain action, I actually answered him correctly. Even better than I would have if I was wide awake.

Most of you might remember the mini guest blogging series I did last year called “My Identity”. If not, please check it out. Many interesting bloggers responded to my request and submitted poetry and writings on their take of their identity.

One such blogger, Floreta has been inspiring and challenging me on a near daily basis with her thoughts on life, love and various experiences. She has recently lreaunched her blog unto a new site, gone on a journey to India to volunteer and then off to spend a year in her homeland, the Philippines.

She sent out a guest blogger series request and I jumped to the challenge to write my take on “The Ways We Are”. The topic is based on personal development, career and identity.

Please, head over to her blog and read my take on “The Ways We Are”.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember to submit your reviews.

Review Request: Music, Books, Games, Movies

2010-02-08T14:57:00.003Z

Since October 2008, I’ve been a member of Enfield’s Youth Engagement Panel (YEP).

The Youth Engagement Panel was set up last year 2008 in light of the spate of youth violence and worst of all murders that took place in and around Edmonton over the last few years. The Panel consists of young people and adults of various nationalities who reside in the local community, all of which have received training to enable them to hold drop in advice sessions and workshop’s at various locations throughout the borough.

Most of you may know that I’m managing and running the YEP website since December, 09. My task for this week is to redesign the Review pages. I have to make it more youth friendly and appealing.

While I work on this task, I need a bit of help from you, my dear readers. I’m accepting music (singles, videos, and albums), books, games and movie reviews.

The more the merrier: the latest the better.

Hope you guys can help me.

Please send all reviews to dreamsrockreality@gmail.com

Many Thanks
Andrena

Sunday Love List No. 20

2010-02-07T13:20:00.013Z

35/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

Today, I popped up in bed with pillows because of back pains. Last week, a car drove into our back while we were parked. It was a very shocking experience and it seems as though I took most of the impact in my back. My neck, thankfully, is fine. I need to make an appointment or drop-in at the hospital walk-in clinic tomorrow. I have physiotherapy next Friday.

But other than that, I’m fine.

January passed so quickly. I made a list of things to do for January. Hmmm, Let me check to see if I can mark them all off. According to my plan, January was the month of getting things together.

So, here begins my 20th Love List.

1)The main project for January was starting the 365Project, which I did. You can check me on Flickr to see what I have taken so far. The aim of this project is to take at least one picture a day for 365 days. I started mine at the beginning of the New Year/New Decade.

2)My second project was undoing my dreadlocs and loosening my natural hair. It took 3 weeks for this to be completed and thankfully, I’m on my third week with this new hair style change. I had to relearn how to detangle and care for my hair. It’s a lot of maintenance, but I’m taking it on like a pro thanks to the many hair blogs and YouTube How to videos.

3)Finally, I worked out why I couldn’t sleep properly in Lincoln. It’s not because I don’t like the place. It’s because we live right on one of the busiest main roads. There is a constant flow of traffic outside my window. Why live in the country, if you have to live on a busy street. What’s the point!? So, we’re now looking for a new flat for when our lease run out in April. It would be nice to have one with lots of storage and a built in wardrobe.

4)In December, I started a new freelance role of managing and maintaining this youth advice website and it’s been an up hill struggle. This week, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I still have a few more design task to do and hopefully by the end of next week, I’ll have a bit more focus. Check the website out here and help me with promoting it.

5)My dad has booked his ticket and will be moving back to the UK on the 15th of March. He has been living in the Caribbean for most of the last three years. You don’t understand how much I can’t wait for him to be back here. Yes, I’m a daddy’s girl.

6)My reading has been non-existent this month. I’m way behind my schedule to read 100 books in 2010. That will be remedied I hope this week on Tuesday. Will be going with my Lincoln neighbour to check out some second hand bookshops in Town. I’ve been excited about this all week since we planned it.

7)My little sister, Andrea has entered the world of blogging. Check her out here. She writes short stories etc.

8)My little (baby) sister does amazing art work! She's 12.

9)One of my very close friends is pregnant! Amazing

10)My bf surprised me with flowers and a teddy this week. I nearly didn't open the door when it was delivered. My neighbour had to come out and insist that he knocks louder because I was in.

11)I’m heading up to Lincoln tonight for a week.

A new addition to my weekly Love List is Blog Post I loved this week. Enjoy and have a great week!

Blog Post I love this week

(Funny)
1)The Square Peg Chronicles – Why I can’t stand hair flickers

(Heartbreaking)
2)“Climb the Sea” by anonymous – They say it fades if you let it

(Creative)
3)Passion Fruit – Idee Fixee

(Inspiring Series)
4)Solitary Panda – The Ways we Are – Jeremy

Stubborness All through my HAIR ends

2010-02-06T17:31:00.004Z

37/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

My hair, like yours have a mind of its own... Mine still thinks that it is dreaded and forms knots better than any boy scout. I'm relearning patience when it comes to detangling and freeing my hair from the very knots that I craved for, for 9 yrs. Nine years spent cultivating locs like Bob Marley. Happy 65th Birthday, Uncle Bob! Thanks Alisa for the reminder on Postbourgie.

It is very ironic how the tables have turned. I’m back to being the caterpillar. This time not trying to find myself, but relearning the true definition of beauty.

Ivan Panin
For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.
For every truth there is an ear somewhere to hear it.
For every love there is a heart somewhere to receive it.

You Through My EYEs

2010-02-02T15:41:00.012Z

This month's poem is a response to January's poem "Me Through My EYEs".

I normally send all my writings to Gokhan for him to edit and critique. It was a very pleasant and needed surprise when I received this response from him. It's been a while.

The journey of life continues

Through the vast and open plains…
At first glance
A view of true emptiness
Nothing…
Or everything…

For truth be told
My eyes behold
A worthy land ripe
With crop and fruit…
Beauty

There to be seen
For one who wishes to see…
From vast and open fields
Where nature's beauty is rife
To crowded cities
Where nature no longer resides…

Adorned
With all the jewelry and make up
That bricks and mortar provide…
Even with token trees
Maintaining the truce
We have with nature…

But in the crowd
A vast emptiness
For with all the crowd
And all the bricks
Comes the true problem
With this adornment…

Too much history are we built
On too much angst do we have…
Despite the beauty
We must start again…
Rebuild this time
At one with nature's intentions…

Moving through life together…
Leaving vast issues
And history behind…
And so
Our journey continues…

By Gokhan Emin, 26th January, 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Gokhan Emin, All Rights Reserved, "You Through My EYEs"

Sunday Love List No. 19

2010-01-31T13:14:00.005Z

This week was a very first for me. I tried my first twist-out – my sister had to save my hair do and I rock my first ‘fro. I tried the twist out again with better results after using a hair product from Miss Jessie. My hair feels much thicker now than it did at the beginning of the week and I have less fizz. My problem now is what to do the day after the twist-out. I’m finding detangling to be a “killer”. Natural hair is becoming to be too much of a high maintenance and battle field – I’m only one week in.

But I have a lot to be thankful for.

Last night, Gokhan and I were going out for the first time for months. We planned to meet up with friends at a bar in central London and I was at the beginning looking forward to showing off my drastic new hair cut/style. But a car ran into our back near the stop light. Thankfully our car is built like a tank and so only got a little dent and we were cushioned from the impact. The guy’s car was messed up. It could have been worst and so the three of us were very grateful.

We ended up just going back home after exchanging the relevant details etc.

So my first love list is

1)I’m grateful for our old Mercedes banger. I don’t think that they make cars like they used to anymore. I sometimes complain about the car, but no more. I was actually complaining about it awhile before because the heating stopped working and it was freezing, but no more. I hope Gokhan gave him a nice long drink of premium petrol. I always brag about the car though. It has over 520,000 miles on it already and still going strong.

2)As above, my first week natural was an experience. I’m still buying and trying new things for my hair. As a treat, I ordered Oyin Handmade hair products last night. I’ve only heard good reviews about these products. So excited and can’t wait for my products to arrive. They have a two weeks delay and so might get them in time for the end of Feb.

3)On Thursday, I had a lovely lunch at Simpsons (on The Strand) with the Award family. The food was amazing and it was great seeing them. Hopefully, I’ll be doing some work for them beginning of March. I rocked my fro and got many compliments.

4)Gokhan came down for the weekend and this week coming is my last week in London until end of Feb. So excited! I can’t wait to get back to Lincoln and to the flat. I haven’t been back since I left on Christmas Eve.

5)I finished at last my 4th novel of the year. Why it took me so long? Well, I’ve been spending too many hrs on the laptop playing Petville and Farmville and the rest of the hrs fiddling with my blackberry. I’m way behind my schedule to read 100 books this year, but still 11 more months to go. The next novel that I’ll be reading is Michael Connelly’s “Angels Flight”.

6)Project365 is still going strong. I’ve been inspired/focussed on my hair all week and so my pictures have been indicating that.

7)I treated myself with a Flickr upgrade. I feel very professional having a “pro” Flickr account.

8)Financial-wise, I paid off three of my debts - Only one more to go.

I have a feeling that this week will flow by very quickly. I’ve overbooked myself for next Friday with three meetings back to back.

Can’t believe today is the end of January, 2010! I pray for a turn around and the outpouring of blessings.

Stay strong and have a great week.

Me Through my EYEs

2010-01-26T14:50:00.010Z

As most of you may have known, I took out my dreadlocs on Sunday. I've had them for 9 yrs and they became a huge part of my identity and how I see beauty. I'm finding it really hard looking and recognising myself in the mirror. Even to take a good picture of myself, I'm failing.

I really need to practise posing and finding my light (according to Tyra Banks).

I wrote this poem as a way to explore the thoughts in my head and to rebuild my confidence in this new look.

24/365, originally uploaded by Theories of Anything

The process of undoing
What has been beautiful for a decade,
Leaving myself raw and in need
For a new definition of
Beauty

I’m now unadorned
Raw to the elements of life…
Naked in all the ugliness…
Uncovered… Exposed…
Open to criticisms at every
Quarters and corner…

Back to the caterpillar…
A renewed walk…
Once again on broken bottles
Of conceit…

The next journey of a caterpillar…
Once a butterfly…
Wings now withered and broken…
On the search for dignity and
Beauty…

Not confined and wrapped up
In vain physicality and fantasy…
A realization in the vast spectrum of grays…
No longer being too squared for life’s
Rounded box…

But free…
Rejuvenated…
New, fresh fragile wings
Soaring to the vast reaches of Reality…
Confined no more
Within a FANTASY

By Als Simmons, 26th January, 2010

Copyright © 2010 by Als Simmons, All Rights Reserved, "Me Through my EYEs"

Lest we not forget History - Haiti Part 2

2010-01-24T14:24:00.007Z

The hate and the Quake

BY SIR HILARY BECKLES

THE UNIVERSITY OF THE WEST INDIES is in the process of conceiving how best to deliver a major conference on the theme Rethinking And Rebuilding Haiti.

I am very keen to provide an input into this exercise because for too long there has been a popular perception that somehow the Haitian nation-building project, launched on January 1, 1804, has failed on account of mismanagement, ineptitude, corruption.

Buried beneath the rubble of imperial propaganda, out of both Western Europe and the United States, is the evidence which shows that Haiti's independence was defeated by an aggressive North-Atlantic alliance that could not imagine their world inhabited by a free regime of Africans as representatives of the newly emerging democracy.

The evidence is striking, especially in the context of France. The Haitians fought for their freedom and won, as did the Americans fifty years earlier. The Americans declared their independence and crafted an extraordinary constitution that set out a clear message about the value of humanity and the right to freedom, justice, and liberty.

In the midst of this brilliant discourse, they chose to retain slavery as the basis of the new nation state. The founding fathers therefore could not see beyond race, as the free state was built on a slavery foundation.

The water was poisoned in the well; the Americans went back to the battlefield a century later to resolve the fact that slavery and freedom could not comfortably co-exist in the same place. The French, also, declared "freedom, fraternity and equality" as the new philosophies of their national transformation and gave the modern world a tremendous progressive boost by so doing.

They abolished slavery, but Napoleon Bonaparte could not imagine the republic without slavery and targeted the Haitians for a new, more intense regime of slavery. The British agreed, as did the Dutch, Spanish and Portuguese. All were linked in communion over the 500 000 Blacks in Haiti, the most populous and prosperous Caribbean colony.

As the jewel of the Caribbean, they all wanted to get their hands on it. With a massive slave base, the English, French and Dutch salivated over owning it - and the people.

The people won a ten-year war, the bloodiest in modern history, and declared their independence. Every other country in the Americas was based on slavery.
Haiti was freedom, and proceeded to place in its 1805 Independence Constitution that any person of African descent who arrived on its shores would be declared free, and a citizen of the republic.

For the first time since slavery had commenced, Blacks were the subjects of mass freedom and citizenship in a nation.

The French refused to recognize Haiti's independence and declared it an illegal pariah state. The Americans, whom the Haitians looked to in solidarity as their mentor in independence, refused to recognize them, and offered solidarity instead to the French. The British, who were negotiating with the French to obtain the ownership title to Haiti, also moved in solidarity, as did every other nation-state the Western world.

Haiti was isolated at birth - ostracized and denied access to world trade, finance, and institutional development. It was the most vicious example of national strangulation recorded in modern history.

The Cubans, at least, have had Russia, China, and Vietnam. The Haitians were alone from inception. The crumbling began.

Then came 1825; the moment of full truth. The republic is celebrating its 21st anniversary. There is national euphoria in the streets of Port-au-Prince.
The economy is bankrupt; the political leadership isolated. The cabinet took the decision that the state of affairs could not continue.

The country had to find a way to be inserted back into the world economy. The French government was invited to a summit.

Officials arrived and told the Haitian government that they were willing to recognize the country as a sovereign nation but it would have to pay compensation and reparation in exchange. The Haitians, with backs to the wall, agreed to pay the French.

The French government sent a team of accountants and actuaries into Haiti in order to place a value on all lands, all physical assets, the 500 000 citizens were who formerly enslaved, animals, and all other commercial properties and services.
The sums amounted to 150 million gold francs. Haiti was told to pay this reparation to France in return for national recognition.

The Haitian government agreed; payments began immediately. Members of the Cabinet were also valued because they had been enslaved people before independence.

Thus began the systematic destruction of the Republic of Haiti. The French government bled the nation and rendered it a failed state. It was a merciless exploitation that was designed and guaranteed to collapse the Haitian economy and society.

Haiti was forced to pay this sum until 1922 when the last installment was made. During the long 19th century, the payment to France amounted to up to 70 per cent of the country's foreign exchange earnings.

Jamaica today pays up to 70 per cent in order to service its international and domestic debt. Haiti was crushed by this debt payment. It descended into financial and social chaos.

The republic did not stand a chance. France was enriched and it took pleasure from the fact that having been defeated by Haitians on the battlefield, it had won on the field of finance. In the years when the coffee crops failed, or the sugar yield was down, the Haitian government borrowed on the French money market at double the going interest rate in order to repay the French government.

When the Americans invaded the country in the early 20th century, one of the reasons offered was to assist the French in collecting its reparations.
The collapse of the Haitian nation resides at the feet of France and America, especially. These two nations betrayed, failed, and destroyed the dream that was Haiti; crushed to dust in an effort to destroy the flower of freedom and the seed of justice.

Haiti did not fail. It was destroyed by two of the most powerful nations on earth, both of which continue to have a primary interest in its current condition.
The sudden quake has come in the aftermath of summers of hate. In many ways the quake has been less destructive than the hate.

Human life was snuffed out by the quake, while the hate has been a long and inhumane suffocation - a crime against humanity.

During the 2001 UN Conference on Race in Durban, South Africa, strong representation was made to the French government to repay the 150 million francs. The value of this amount was estimated by financial actuaries as US$21 billion. This sum of capital could rebuild Haiti and place it in a position to re-engage the modern world. It was illegally extracted from the Haitian people and should be repaid.

It is stolen wealth. In so doing, France could discharge its moral obligation to the Haitian people.

For a nation that prides itself in the celebration of modern diplomacy, France, in order to exist with the moral authority of this diplomacy in this post-modern world, should do the just and legal thing.

Such an act at the outset of this century would open the door for a sophisticated interface of past and present, and set the Haitian nation free at last.

Sir Hilary Beckles is pro-vice-chancellor and Principal of the Cave Hill Campus, UWI.

Sunday Love List No. 18

2010-01-24T11:56:00.014Z

In keeping my word, here’s the next instalment of the Sunday Love List.

I spent all week removing my locs. From my pictures, you may have noticed that I have dreadlocks. I’ve had them for 9 years from age 18 to now 27. Were they my act of rebellion? Hmmm… the main thing is that they carried me through many ups and downs and the hard transition into adulthood. The majority of people who know me now have never seen me without them – including my best buddies and my boy friend.

I had a deep urge over a year now to cut them off. I felt that my life was entering into a new era mentally and emotionally and what better way it would be to illustrate this crucial transition outwardly. But I was a coward and held unto my locs. Doesn’t society dictates that long hair is beautiful. I started to use my hair has a crutch – my security blanket. I needed things to remain the same desperately.

So my first Sunday Love list –

1)Finally, I can say that I no longer have any locs in my hair. After 9 years of being a Bob Marley look-a-like and 3 weeks going through the undo-limbo-like process, I’ve finally removed them all. It was an intense process and I really have to thank my little sister for that. We really went through the process together and if it wasn’t for her, I’ll still be wishing or sporting a shaved head.

2)My project365 is going well. I’m on day 24 and I’m thinking of exploring my neighbour for the 24th picture.

3)Explored my closest Whole Foods yesterday for hair supplies and found the amazing Giovanni range that many hair gurus have been raving over. In the UK, there are only about 5 Whole Foods shops and they’re only in London. I guess I’ll have to do all my hair shopping in London before I go up to Lincoln.

4)I received two calls to do freelance research work. I’m really happy that I can still build my CV and expand on skills, while I wait for my passport. Who knows where this will lead. I’m just grateful!

5)I was invited to my friend’s birthday party, which was yesterday and I couldn’t make it at all because the last couple of locs were so matted and difficult to remove.

Happy Birthday Samata and all the best for 2010.

6)I got a new mobile/cell phone. A black shinny new blackberry. Really excited and going crazy downloading applications.

This week is going to be pretty intense. I need to at last finish up all that I had planned to do in January and also prepare for February. I’ll be in London until the 7th of Feb and hope to socialise after spending 3 weeks hibernating while my locs were removed.

Have a great week everyone and continue to count your blessings.

What is THIS

2010-01-19T11:06:00.002Z

Every time you shout to the world that you have moved on and have shoved the past behind where it should be, Life throws an “Oh Really” situation your way. It’s like being challenged to a duel. Hands shaking, sweat pouring from your arm pits, heart right up there in your throat, will you be the first to pull the trigger? Will this breath be your last? Your senses are being blast to oblivion from every sight, sound, feeling and touch. Don’t want to miss anything because it might be your last. You’ve made your self sick and less aware.

See... again, I’ve gone off on some tangent. Not for you, but for myself. It’s becoming really hard to understand what’s happening to me, much less to the whole world. It has taken me a very long time to forgive others and even longer time to forgive myself. You always blame yourself more, right? I should have been smarter, less dependant on others etc. Let’s say this in one sentence.

I should have known the future.

Yep, it’s so much easier to be harder on yourself. Pride! So, in a nutshell, it’s taking me a long time to diminish/delete pride from my life. I’m not doing myself or the world any justice for berating myself for something that happened and I had no control of.

I came face to face with the person who “destroyed” the life that I had and knew. Well, more like face to back. I saw her back and was thrown into turmoil. I came face to face with a life changing decision. I had two choices – go up to her and end up in prison or leave. I got up and literally ran out making inaudible excuses that I’m not feeling well. I burst out in tears in the car. Did I wimp out or did the “right” thing?

I did shout to the world that I’ve moved on. But it’s not easy moving on when faced with the consequences daily. She stole my physical identity and totally deleted my livelihood and sense of achievement. It has been nearly two years and it’s as if everyone else has moved on and forgotten about that. I know to them it’s all in the past, but I’m still dealing with the consequences of that past. So, in a way it’s more my present.

I’m fooling myself. I haven’t moved on. I’ve moulded my “life” now to fit into the tiny square box that’s my physical life. My thoughts have exploded beyond the bounds of reality. I’m living in my head more in a way to deal with the greys and blacks that have overcome my once colourful existence. I’m even trying to change my physical identity by literally ripping out and undoing my locs. I’ve now been reduced to wearing a hat every time I venture outside. Lord knows, I hate anything that covers my head. My head consists of half locs and then other half loose hair now in braids to prevent tangling.

I’m in limbo. Maybe, I should change my name to limbo since that word clearly resonates in everything that has been thrown at me and is descriptive of everything that is my life.

So I saw her for a split-second and have been reduced to this state or maybe when I saw her, I was forced to stop deluding myself. Let’s stop pretending that life is filled with bright flowers and sweet smells. Let’s rushed back down to reality and be a witness to this sick, sad state that we had no control over being born into.

Are we doing more harm than good when we tell our children that they can be who ever they want to be – that they can reach to the stars and beyond – that they can impact change and be a shining light to their generation – that good things always conquer over evil – that light will always shine through darkness?

I’m beginning to wonder what the point is.

Sunday Love List No.17

2010-01-17T22:47:00.009Z

It’s been months (since 30, August, 09) that I did the Love List. I started the Love List as a way to highlight on a weekly basis what I have been grateful for in that week. It was a really good and positive exercise. But then, I stopped and I guess I became less thankful, more depressed and “why me”!

But it’s a New Year! Everyone always have hope that with the beginning of the new, positivity and blessings will flow. Plus, it’s nice to start off on a clean slate. Last weekend, I wrote down for myself a creative plan for this year. I chose January to be the month of getting things together and preparing for the coming months. I believe that restarting the Sunday Love List will be a way to put the coming weeks and months into perspective.

Here’s the new and slightly improved Love List.

1)As you may have noticed, I have a new blog layout. This is all thanks to Andhari at Insomniac Lolita. Andhari is my dream blogger. She is an Indonesian law student, just finished her thesis, full time rapper, songwriter on the side and yet at the same time , blogs interesting posts nearly every day and read and comment unto hundreds of various blogs. She’s also a very active member at 20sb. She changes up her blog design and layout more often than most. She likes to dabble in html codes.

This week, I messaged her on Twitter that I like her new blog design and maybe she can help me out with mines. I was paying her a compliment and thinking, "Boy, I wish I had her talent". It was my lucky day. She messaged me back near instantaneously and by the afternoon – Voila! – I had a new and improved, clear and concise blog layout. I’m absolutely grateful for her help. I had wanted a new blog design for months and she did it perfectly in a few hrs.

2)In dec, I blogged that I’ll be taking down my locs. I’ve started the process thanks to my little sister. I’m half way through, which is not a good look. I have half locs on top and loose/tangled hair below. I’m fodder for the fashion/beauty police right now. I can’t wait for it to be completed, but absolutely nervous. It’s a very tedious and slow process. It takes over 45mins to undo one loc and that’s after cutting the length in half. It'll be nice to come out of this limbo-like stage.

3)I went to two baby parties this week. On Friday, it was my niece’s 3rd birthday party and yesterday, it was my other niece’s christening party. They’re growing up too quickly.

4)Yesterday was also my sister’s 31st birthday party. Happy Birthday Don!

5)Gokhan surprised me in London on Friday. I hadn’t seen him in 2 weeks. I was talking to him, thinking that he he was stuck in traffic on his way home from work in Lincoln. Then, he told me to come downstairs and opened the door for him. I was in shock and didn’t move for a few minutes. Yep, I left him out in the cold for a while. It was a wonderful surprise.

6)I started Project365 at the beginning of the year. The aim of this project is to take at least one picture a day and upload it unto a blog or site of your choice. I’m on Flickr. So far, it’s going well and at least, I’m using the camera.

7)My dad is moving back to the UK after 3 years in the Caribbean. He should be purchasing his one way ticket this week.

8)No more snow! I got tired of carrying around the fear of slipping on the ice.

9)I received a bottle of homemade coconut oil from my dad. So, excited! Coconut oil is one of the only oils that are actually absorbed into the hair shaft and it is good for massages and moistrising the scalp and skin, especially just after you get out of the shower or bath. I plan to separate it into various glass jars and add different essential oil mixes to them. I need to remind myself to buy almond and vanilla essential oils.

10)I bought 5 books at the Charity shop for £4. How cool is that! My aim for the year is to read 100 books. I read 74 books last year and I know that I could have read more. Last week, I took a break from reading because I couldn’t find the book that I was currently reading. I misplaced it and only found it yesterday. It’s “The Heretic’s Daughter”. I hope to finish it this week. I need to read on average 8-9 books a month. You can check out my Book Club page to see all that I have read and to keep track of my reading. Would you like to join me in this challenge?

Wow! Ten things I’m actually thankful for. That’s amazing. I wish you guys a very good week and thanks to all my new followers. I'm always hesitant in highlighting new followers because I sometimes fear that I’ll be “defollowed” as soon as I mention them.

Thanks for reading my blog and please comment and let me know who you are, your blog url and any critique or advice.

Take care and God bless

P.S. Please keep our fellow Haitians in your prayers, thoughts and pockets. It could have been any of us since we are all living over molten magma and unpredictable fault lines and plates. Remember to have compassion and love. Be a blessing this week!